By Thomas Oldenough | October 2, 2019 | Comments Off on Hi! So I’m 19 (and a Virgin). I have an older friend who is married. And I just learned that she and her husband are in an open relationship. My friend is about to go on a very long business trip… leaving her kind, attractive 46 year old husband all alone… any advice?
Interesting situation and an interesting question. I’m going to answer quickly because it sounds like your situation is coming up quickly.
Did your friend say she and her husband are in an open relationship or did her husband? Get clarification on this with your friend.
Did your friend suggest you connect with her husband or did her husband? Get clarification from this as well.
Or, I suppose, are you planning to connect with him on your own? If so (not to repeat myself) let your friend know and possibly ask if she’ll provide an “introduction” for you and/or permission for you to connect with her husband while she’s away.
You don’t have to say “hey, I’m thinking of connecting with your husband while you’re gone.” It’s ok to be more general and open-ended. But you do want to give her and/or them an opportunity to be transparent with each other – there are different rules for different open relationships. Some are don’t ask / don’t tell while others are “I want allll the steamy details.” That’s for them to work out but you need to make sure you’re not stepping into something that will blow up when she returns.
If the answer to any of these questions about their open relationship and your relationship with them isn’t clear then my advice is “don’t go there.”
You’ll notice I’ve said nothing about your relative ages or sexual experience levels. There are plenty of other questions and/or advice I could offer about that, and I’ll be happy to if you want to send a second ask. But those are almost irrelevant in the face of the bigger question of what’s their dynamic and how are you going to fit in it so that you don’t end up falling between them… and possibly falling out with your friend, her husband, or both.
Thank you for asking. And best of luck getting clarity on those first important questions.
Comments Off on Hi! So I’m 19 (and a Virgin). I have an older friend who is married. And I just learned that she and her husband are in an open relationship. My friend is about to go on a very long business trip… leaving her kind, attractive 46 year old husband all alone… any advice?
From a university health clinic. Get tested between partners. Be safe. Be smart. You don’t have to use barrier methods like condoms or dental dams — most STIs aren’t incurable and almost all (e.g. warts, heroes, HIV, syphylis, gonnorhea) can be transmitted without intercourse.
But!
If you see new partners more frequently than the average incubation period then, yeah, use barriers. And get tested.
By Thomas Oldenough | September 25, 2019 | Comments Off on Real talk, Soph – I’m a virgin and scared to have sex for the first time, but I want it to happen, but there’s no one who I wanna get dicked down by right now…I’m so impatient. Thoughts???
hey there! i totally understand where you’re coming from! before i get into this just remember that for the most part virginity is a social construct.
i think there’s two big things to address in this ask, but just keep in mind that i haven’t given advice in ages, so this all probably sounds unhelpful lmao
1. being scared to have sex, but wanting it to happen: i get this 100%. i am absolutely terrified to have sex that will involve penis/strap penetration, but obviously i am a horny bastard whose brain goblin is always thinking about sex, so it’s weird. how can one be scared of sex, but also really really want it at the same time? i unfortunately don’t have the answer to that question. all i can say is that i relate.
2. there’s no one that you want to be dicked down by: i hate to say this, but there’s really nothing i can do about that. it’s sort of on you. it’s totally okay not to want to be dicked down by anyone around you rn, but i would try and evaluate which matters more. having sex just for the sake of having sex and having sex to get over your impatience or having sex with someone you actually want to dick you down, ya know? i’m not saying to drop your standards or anything, but if you’re really that impatient maybe look around again and see if anyone catches your eye??? i dunno…??
i hope this helps, or at least gives you some insight into my thoughts!
I hope you don’t mind me sharing and adding my thoughts.
I 100% understand being scared but wanting sex. Like, I’m not into penetration (90%cof the time… sounds nice in theory but not practice), but I want to be eaten out soooo bad.
Combine the fear with not having anyone you want to have sex with… that puts you in a bit of a pickle.
Virginity as a physical thing is socially constructed, but you are still mentally a virgin as well and that’s a hurdle to get over. Sex can be super sweet and intimate and whatever you want it to be, but the first time can be scary and overwhelming.
Honestly, my advice is:
1) figure out who you want to have sex with and what type (penetrative [oral, anal, vaginal], non-penetrative, intercrurual (sorry for spelling), etc),
2) if you are into penetration, buy a dildo. But multiple dildos of different sizes. Use them to get comfortable
3) find someone you want to have sex with (either irl or on tindr or something
4) set hard boundaries and talk before hand about your hesitations
5) have fun. Dont take it too seriously. Communicate what feels good and what doesn’t DURING sex.
Don’t rush into anything without evaluating, but if you are just real ready to have sex, it can’t be too hard to find a willing partner, even if it isn’t someone you initially considered
THANK YOU FOR WORDING WHAT I COULD NOT!!!! :^)
Awesome thoughts, above. @a-queer-sub-baby’s advice is particularly good!
I’m going to mostly try and add a human face to the pragrmatic… well… ins and outs.
The anon says they want to have sex but there’s no one they want to have sex with. They’re scared but they really want to.
Dicks come attached to people. Have sex with people, not their dicks. You won’t be as scared if it’s someone you know and like. Jitters, butterflies, and false starts, yes. Scared, probably not so much.
You’d think and older, experienced man would say “find an older, experienced man to ‘take’ your virginity.” But nope. If you have one in mind, and he likes you and you like him then that’s fine, really. But by far the best advice I can give is to find someone with as little experience as you do and learn together! More importantly, look for someone who’s as scared as you are!
Look for someone who’ll listen. And someone who’s willing to give up their preconceptions about what sex is “supposed” to be and who’s willing to gently push back when you start manifesting what you think sex is “supposed” to be. Because you’re going to do a lot of that.
He doesn’t have to be the love of your life. See if you can find someone who’d be a good study partner for a course or lab in school. Someone who’s able to participate and collaborate and not either slack off or do it all himself. Because collaboration and participation what good sex is really all about.
Sex isn’t anything like what they do in porn. Don’t do anything like they do it in porn.
For something us mammals have been doing for ~210 million years, intercourse is actually pretty complicated. If you were a beginning skiier, intercourse would be marked as a solid blue hill. Again using ski-hill lingo, do all the bunny slope and green run stuff first to warm up for it.
It’s not so complicated, however, that you need prior experience. Unlike skiing you can learn a lot of it from a book and do all the exercises with someone who’s at the same level of (in)experience as you.
They should also want to have sex with a person and not just want to have sex. They don’t have to love you, or maybe even like you (though liking really helps.) But they really do want to be motivated to check in with you, to stop you when you don’t check in, to debrief with you after, to negotiate before, and be willing and able to make it fun!
You need to be willing to make it fun too.
Sex is supposed to be fun. It’s not an SAT, GRE, LSAT or MCAT exam.
Do all the safe-sex things, please. But also do the fun things.
Anyone who reads this blog should be an adult. That’s fine, lots of adults haven’t had sex yet. (True fact: about half of all college sophomores haven’t had intercourse. This surprises everyone but really shouldn’t.) But there’s still some really awesome advice on Scarleteen.com, the incredible sex-information and peer-support for younger people. Since you’re an adult you shouldn’t create an account or interact, but you can still learn a ton from their public posts and articles.
Final note: there’s a common social myth that men always want sex and therefore women can always find a man to have sex with. This is kind of a bitter joke for a vast number of women in the world.
Comments Off on Real talk, Soph – I’m a virgin and scared to have sex for the first time, but I want it to happen, but there’s no one who I wanna get dicked down by right now…I’m so impatient. Thoughts???
Talcum powder has asbestos in it. Has for years. Leave it be
This is all FAR more useful education than ‘Having unmarried sex while female makes you a dirty slut’ .
Always reblog Feminine & Masculine health
When the info is correct of course.
Ok, guys. First of all we need to know this. Second of all, sometimes your partner won’t. This doesn’t make you smarter or better so don’t tease or mock. But do gently let her know. She’s at least as insecure about her pussy as we are about our dicks.
If you know what’s healthy and normal, and let your sweetheart know you want her to feel healthy and normal, she may not feel she needs to go harmful things to make you like her.
I had a vasectomy right after my last planned, wanted child was born. So it comes to impregnation-play kinks I’m just a crash-test Daddy. But because I’ve had a vasectomy we can play that game responsibly, can’t we? Again and again.
Ahahah, this is soooooo me when I call 911 or similar emergency services.
It’s not that I’m worried about being a burden, it’s that there’s another human being on the other end of the line. They’re not magic or robots, they’re people. And if you can establish that you’re not hysterical or incoherent you can actually cut to the chase a lot faster than you can by yellilng OMG, OMG, OMG a bunch first.
Plus, when I had my last non-fatal* motorcycle accident the person who was riding on the back said the last thing I said before we pancaked the bike was “hold on a second.”
*Duh, it obviously couldn’t have been a fatal accident. But it was the last accident where I could have and probably should have died. Instead it was my last accident because I decided to stop tempting fate on two wheels.
I’m usually not judgmental about other people’s legitimate kinks. And while “sissy” men is a thing it’s a thing that hews a little close to some really fucking serious shit. I’d never say “sissies aren’t legitimate” but I can say “hey, be careful not to contribute to something that gets people killed.”
Just saw a post come through my feed about subjugating and dominating sissy men, which is fine. However it defines them as “traps.” Which is not.
Many cis guys who see a trans woman and think ‘trap’ either know they’re trans women and are engaging with her in the only way they know how (a disgusting and off-putting one for many), some don’t know and assume it’s a crossdressing cis man (a lot to read into that too) but many know they’re trans women and don’t care and specifically use the term to deny the trans woman her identity.
In this way, ‘trap’ joined the ranks of ‘shemale’ and ‘tranny’ as the go-to slur to reffer to trans women, and all three sharing a dynamic of both being a statement of power and as well as extremely sexual terms, ‘shemale’ and ‘trap’ more than ‘tranny’, but nonetheless you see ‘tranny’ used in transgender pornography.
The problem being that not only is “trap” an extremely pejorative word, it’s meant to promote the idea that actual trans women are just gay men who get off on tricking straight men into “going gay.”
This “trap” meme totally fits into the most common homophobic stereotype about gay men, transvestites, and transsexuals. The results are often horrific beatings and murder.
This may not be even a little bit of a concern for straight men who fantasize about “forced feminiization” or “sissification.”
The fantasy for straight men of being mistaken for or even made a “trap” is of course perfectly safe. Perhaps even deliciously edgy.
But “trap” has real-world and too-often existential consequences for people who don’t have the same opportunities.
To be a kinkster is to be responsible, not only for yourself but for others.
Ethical item #1 is “don’t involve others without their consent.” And while this might seem like a bit of a stretch, roleplaying or posting in a way that forwards a stereotype that others have to deal with is kind of involving others.
So let’s be a little careful with this cis-male sissy thing, ok?
By Thomas Oldenough | September 8, 2019 | Comments Off on hi. i sort of need some advice. I’m 19 and have been talking to a guy who is 34. I am very interested in him and it seems he is the same with me. He doesn’t have a car and neither do I, we’re about an hour away from each other. I met him the first time last weekend and i’m not sure when i’ll see him again.. I don’t know how we’d make dating work, i miss him and don’t wanna make a bad decision and get hurt in the end.. any advice?
Unless of course they are disabled and need assistance but that is a whole new ballpark to play in.Hi! I don’t know all your circumstances or his, but even though you’re 19 I’m going to recommend that you go check out https://scarleteen.com, an awesome, non-judgmental, ethical, and extremely informative sex-education and support site for younger people. As an adult you should treat it as read only and not interact, but you’ll find a ton of resources there about dealing with relationships when you’re both poor, car-less, and when one or both of you are inexperienced.
You mention not wanting to make bad decisions and not wanting to get hurt in the end. I’ll just say there’s quite a lot of sometimes hard-nosed, experience-based, practical advice about larger age differences. Including whole laundry lists of things to look out for – not only in older partners but in yourself.
That said, you are both adults so I’m not going to say “nope.” You’ve met him once in person and seem to be interested in seeing him again. You live just far enough apart that your travel limitations really get in the way. You’ll also find very good advice on Scarleteen about what it takes to be financially, emotionally, and physically able to have an independent relationship. Including, again, some fairly hard-nosed checklists that make it easy to tell not only if you’re ready but if you’re able as well.
Update! In comments @his-country-princess added “Unless of course [you and/or he] are disabled and need assistance but that is a whole new ballpark to play in.” This had crossed my mind but since you didn’t mention it I didn’t bring it up. But! Scarletten being awesome I’m pretty sure they address working with different abilities as well.
Thank you so much for asking. I wish I could give better advice. But for your and his situations I think you’ll find better resources at Scarleteen.
Comments Off on hi. i sort of need some advice. I’m 19 and have been talking to a guy who is 34. I am very interested in him and it seems he is the same with me. He doesn’t have a car and neither do I, we’re about an hour away from each other. I met him the first time last weekend and i’m not sure when i’ll see him again.. I don’t know how we’d make dating work, i miss him and don’t wanna make a bad decision and get hurt in the end.. any advice?
By Thomas Oldenough | August 20, 2019 | Comments Off on I have a dom coming to visit me and he is adamant about not using a safe word. I’ve been looking forward to him coming down and have talked about what I would be comfortable with, but the idea of no safe word is frightening. Should i call if off or go through with it?
“The idea of no safe word is frightening.”
You answered your own question, didn’t you?
I’m 100% sympathetic. You look forward to meeting him, and he’s comfortable talking to you about your needs and wants.
I’ve mentioned before that there’s a school of thought in kink that safewords aren’t actually safe… in the sense that a top should never get out of control and should always be 100% attentive and that too many bottoms get to hazy or even intimidated or “brave” to safeword.
But!
Since you can be all that and use safewords too it’s a red flag that this person is “adamant” about not having one.
The only purpose of D/S in particular, BDSM and kink in a little more general, and non-intentionally-reproductive sex in general is for both of you to enjoy yourselves, to feel safe, to be happy, horny, healthy, and want to do it again. And again.
That’s a pretty low bar. Sounds like it’s not going to be met without him agreeing to letting you have a safeword and without you being 100% confident that he’ll respect it you use it. And-and that he won’t wet his pants or throw a fit if you did use it.
So I’m going to say call it off unless and until you stop being frightened instead of totally excited to submit to him.
In fact I’m going to be blunt (not mean, just blunt) and say a good Dom would have called off his trip instead of putting you in the uncomfortable position of having to do it yourself! He hasn’t. So maybe he’s not a good Dom for you.
Thank you so much for asking this question. It’s a really, really important one that shouldn’t need repeating but does. Over and over.
Comments Off on I have a dom coming to visit me and he is adamant about not using a safe word. I’ve been looking forward to him coming down and have talked about what I would be comfortable with, but the idea of no safe word is frightening. Should i call if off or go through with it?
