Posts Tagged ‘Ask a Daddy’
i know this is a silly question to ask a stranger, but your opinion matters because you’re wise. is it lying or make me a bad girl if i stay closeted from my family forever?
That’s not a silly question at all! Questions like that sometimes mean a lot, don’t they, because there are often two or mor equally “right” answers.
I can’t answer it for you but maybe we can talk about some of the possibilities. I know you’re not the only one who wonders the same thing so thank you for asking.
On the one hand the things we keep to ourselves are often pretty private. Even if it wouldn’t worry or upset the ones who care most about us.
On the other hand it’s kind of surprising how often out loved ones already know. And are more respecting your privacy than being oblivious.
It’s also the case that we tend to internalize criticism way more than our peers or loved ones will, with the result that we’ll project way more judgment on them than they’d actually have if you came out.
But sometimes we really will burn bridges if we come out. That’s why you’re the one who needs to make that choice. And why I’m not going to say yes or no.
If it’s ok I’be got a question you can answer to yourself: how bad do you feel about not outing yourself? Because if it’s really eating you up not to then it might be a good idea to decide which would stress you out more – you staying quiet bs the reaction you might get.
It’s a good question, not a silly one. You’re the only one who can answer. But you may find you’ve got a lot of support.
would you ever fuck a black women?
Interesting question. Since the question is open to so many possible interpretations it would be impossible to say something trite.
So yes.
People come from all kinds of places and have all kinds of life experiences. Based on my life experiences can’t even begin to say how much we all have in common though. Enough in common for me to be able to repeat what I’ve said over and over here and everywhere else: stereotypes tell us more about those who believe them than they tell us about those who are subjected to them.
Stereotypes, fetishes, and blunt racism notwithstanding, in my experience when it comes to sex, as when it comes to anything else in life, being Black hasn’t seemed any more or less significant than being from Nebraska or being allergic or being raised religious or having a 4.0 GPA in college.
Those are all important qualities and to say otherwise would be to erase them rather than respect them. And I’ve had great experiences with wonderful partners who match each of those those descriptions. And all of them.
So yes.
Hi, I’ve just started talking to a guy. He is vastly more vanilla than I am, but I’ve been talking to him about trying more kinky things. More basic like light spanking, letting him be a little more in control, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary yet. I was wondering how to not scare him with kinker ideas and, hopefully, application of them. Thank you
Good question! Sounds like you’re into things that might be kinkier than he’s comfortable with? And you’d like to do more with him… or more accurately you’d like him to do more with you, without coming on “too strong?” Just want to make sure. Please let me know if I’ve missed an important point, ok?
I can’t speak for all guys but if it was me (hey, it has been me in the past!) then two things would work really well.
First, “slow and steady wins the race.” Let him try those nothing-out-of-the-ordinary things with you first. And see how he likes it. Vanilla people, men especially, can take a little time to digest what a lot of us already know. What you’re a living example of: Submission is its own kink, and that what you want him to do is almost by-definition is rough but not violent, domineering but not abusive.
And don’t get me wrong – we want people to be reluctant about violence and abuse! And it’s actually a good thing to have a responsible Sub (you are going to be responsible) to help them learn how to distinguish them. (I say you’re going to be responsible because the last thing we want is him doing those things before he understands the difference.)
Second: Let him know that the idea of him doing those things with, to, and for you makes you wet and happy. Most men enjoy that idea rather a lot. Even more for someone they actually care about.
If you’re still really in the “just started talking” part of a relationship and not “bring your toothbrush in your bag” stage, it’s an even better time to talk to him about it. Being a Sub, even a hungry, horny one, doesn’t mean you’re necessarily hop in the sack with him right away. So it’s ok to talk about not just boundaries and limits but wants and desires before you get around to doing them. Just be clear those are ideals you have in mind, not that it’s either an invitation or a laundry list for him.
Oh, one last thing: let him know about the difference between “topping from the bottom” and mentoring him. Be clear that your intention really is to Submit to him – and that at each point it will be his decision what he chooses to do based on your feedback.
That said (since this is advice for everybody and not just you) it’s still his choice! He might not want to be a Dom. He might not want to be much of a Dom. Or not one all the time. You have to be ok with that too – boundaries, limits, and consent go both ways.
Let me know what you think. Feel free to show him this post too. I want both of you to succeed and be happy with who you both are and not who either things they or the other is “supposed” to be.
Best of luck! And thanks for asking!
thanks for being a positive role model to the men on this site who don’t know how to properly dom and instead say uncomfortable and scary things to us subs
Thanks for your kind words. I say what I do to remind myself, too, not just others. Because I haven’t always been a good role model. So thank you!
Seriously. On an old blog my tag line was “learning from my mistakes so you won’t have to.” It’s still true. I’ve surely made enough of them.
It’s human to learn from your own mistakes. It’s civilized to learn from the mistakes of others. Be civilized.
Self care is cumming 7 times than having a bowl of cereal
That’s usually almost always wonderful self-care advice, isn’t it?
Long as you’re not using it to avoid dealing with a thing that’s making you need self care in the first place it’s pretty great.
Thanks for being better than just a good daddy -you’re a GREAT daddy and an asset to the kink community at large. Thank you for always validating those who need it, and giving thoughtful answers to those seeking advice. If I’d stumbled across this blog as a young women I would have short-cutted through a lot of BS in my life. I’m glad it’s a resource for young people (and everyone else). Love you boo.
Thanks so much for your kind words.
You want to know why I write the things I do? It’s because if I’d stumbled across this blog as a young man I’d have short-cutted through a lot of the BS in my life too!
So for pretty much everything I’ve said I can point to a bump, a scar, a heartbreak, a catastrophic mistake, or a time when I was a giantic fucking gaslighting asshole and say “yeah, that was a very bad idea, let’s not do that again.”
To be human is to learn from your own mistakes. To be civilized is to learn from other people’s mistakes.
If I can help anyone else become that kind of civilized I’ll be very, very happy.
Thanks again, so much. I really appreciate it.
Hi! it’s the 19 y/o again. I just started college, the guy i’m talking to is 34. I’ve only hung out with him twice bc of distance n lack of cars, but this last time was amazing. no one has ever made me feel like that sexually or even just in general. He won’t give me a clear answer as to what we are and i just really wanna be with him. I’m also scared i’ll fuck it up because i have an eating disorder and bad depression. I always feel like no one can handle me or love me..
Part 2: still the 19 year old.. but i just wanted to add that college has been a bit rough. My eating disorder has not been kind and i’ve gained a little weight and it’s really wrecking me. i think that he won’t like me anymore or that i’m not attractive. i just have so much going through my head … ahhhh.. thank you
Thanks for checking in!
First of all can I just say congratulations! I remember you from last time. I’m glad things are working out with your partner. And can I just say it sounds like they really are working out?
Let me say that again. You’ve known him online and gotten along. You’ve met him twice and the last time was amazing! Sounds like things are really working out!!!!
Good for you! Good for him. Lucky you! And lucky him too! Because you’re probably pretty wonderful. If you weren’t there wouldn’t have been a second time, would there?
Ok. So now a little tough love. It might not last! Sure. You might let your anxiety and your eating disorder mess things up. Or he could never give you a clear answer… or even have a clear answer! Or distance could become too much of an obstacle. Or he could fall for someone else. Or, let’s be real, you could fall for someone else!
Shit like that can happen to the best relationships.
But here’s the trick: the measure of a deep, meaningful, awesome, and fullfilling relationship is not how long it lasts.
There used to be this old guy on the radio who’d do a shoutout to people who’d been married 50, or 75, or 90 years! I think they do this on morning TV shows as well. But, question: do you think most of those couples were happy for all 50 or 75 or 90 years?
You can actually have a perfect relationship in 24 hours – with a beautiful beginning, middle, and ending. One you’ll never forget. Even if you’re never be able to recapture it, even if, as in the Before Sunrise trilogy of movies, you’re able to reconnect years later.
There was a dessert chain in my town years ago. Their motto was “life is uncertain, eat dessert first.” Ironically they owners eventually lot interest, the quality went down, and they went out of business. I still miss them from their early days, even though I never went towards the end of their run.
Relationships can be like that. Including yours. It might last forever. It might not last much longer at all. But! Here’s the trick. As with that dessert chain, always honor the person you met, not the person you broke up with!
Not everyone’s made for each other. Not every time is the right time for a relationship to work. Sometimes things go great but your lives take different paths.
That’s all ok! The only “should” or “shouldn’t” in any of that is if you make a breakup a judgment about you.
I get that you’re dealing with depression and an eating disorder. I get that you’re struggling in college and it could be that your eating disorder is part of the problem. I get that you and your sweetie live far apart. I get that he doesn’t seem ready to commit to something with you.
Gonna sound funny, but none of those have anything to do with whether you’ll work out. I won’t have anything to do with it working out. It won’t have anything to do with not working out.
Instead it’ll be something completely oddball and out of the blue. Because love and relationships are like that.
But if it works out it won’t be because you’re a celestial superstar – lots of perfectly mediocre, doughy, underachieving, mopey, unlucky people have awesome relationships that last a lifetime. But if it doesn’t work out it won’t be because you’re mediocre, doughy, mopey, underachieving, or mopey. Because lots of stellar, super-fit, high-achieving, upbeat people can’t find love in a sleeping bag with a flashlight.
It won’t be you. It won’t even be him!
So….
That’s all my way of addressing your fears. They’re real fears and I want to acknowledge them. But! They’re not true fears! If that makes sense. You’re worried because you feel great and you don’t want this awesome feeling to end. And so you’re kind of making shit up because that’s what us human beings do – we can’t help ourselves! And you’re a wonderful human being, and because you’re a human being you can’t help yourself any more than the rest of us can.
One last thing: I hate, hate, hate pulling the age card. (I almost always have my tongue in my cheek when I say “older, experienced” in my caption.) But in this case I’m going to say it anyway.
Be happy with this relationship and don’t worry about it ending or falling apart. Really! The biggest fear I’ve noticed in myself and in others is “I’ll never love again.” Or maybe “I’ll never love like this again.” But really, you will! You’ll love this guy and if you do you’ll find you love him more and more. Or when this one ends, and you think the world’s going to fall apart and your life is over, you’ll meet someone else. And discover it gets better!
Even for depressed people. Even for people with eating disorders. Even people in college. Even people with older partners. Even people with partners far away. And even when your last relationship included moments that no one else had ever made you feel like either sexually or in general.
Here’s the trick with that: you were able to feel that!!! Yes, you felt it with him, but you felt that!
Someone once told me they realized every one of their exes had only one thing in common: them. And they said once they realized that they were able to find a partner that they’ve been with ever since. Not because the other person was wonderful, and definitely not because that person “finally completed them.” But because they realized they didn’t need someone else to “complete them.”
So they stopped looking for something in everyone else.
You said way up at the top that you’re worried you’re going to “fuck it up.” Eh. Maybe so! But I’m going to say I bet you won’t! That makes two equally unfounded opinions. Choose which one you like better, though!
Why am I going on and on with personal histories and stories about movies, and unfounded opinions, and blah, blah, blah? Easy!
I’m doing it because I want you to feel confident and encouraged, and not to worry that you might fall because if you do you’ll know you can get back up again.
Because if you’re not afraid of failing – at love, life, or poker – your chance of success goes through the roof.
Finally, yeah, he might not be willing to say “what you are” yet. To be honest it’s kind of early days. It’s possible he’s worried you’re too good to be true and worried that he’ll fuck it up, just like you are! That’s what I mean by it might not be you!
Be as generous to yourself as you want to be to your new sweetie. Even if you aren’t “made for each other” you’re still probably both pretty awesome human beings.
Best of luck!
Hello! I saw some of your asks I read about the “starting it” one and you gave such a good answer. My bf wants to have more sex than we have now. I hate my body (I’m 5’6 with ~128 pounds). I’m trying to lose weight with sport, skipping meals etc. And he tries to feed me like “we gotta put some meat on you”. He’s looking out for me but my boobs won’t grow from that (-.-). I don’t want to sleep with him if I can’t look into the mirror without crying and hating myself..
First of all thank you so much for checking in. It sounds like your boyfriend would like to have sex more often than you. And it sounds like you don’t feel good about it because you’re anxious about your figure. As opposed to just not wanting to have sex. Like… maybe you’d enjoy having more sex if you had a different body? Does that sound right?
I think that last question is the most important one. Because sometimes trying to wrestle with a million conflicting feelings about sex, wanting sex, feeling pressured or expected to have sex, and especially feeling obliged to have sex even when you want to… can make it hard to say no. And that, in turn, can come out in other ways. In particular, when we feel powerless (not the kinky exchange of power but literally powerless) we can go kind of sideways and say “I’m not worthy of having sex” or “I don’t deserve to have sex” or even “I’m not pretty enough to have sex.”
So I’ll ask that question again. You mentioned that “my boobs won’t grow from that” and “I don’t want to sleep with him if I can’t look in the mirror.” Do you really mean you’d love to have sex with him if your breasts grew or if you loved how you looked in the mirror?
It’s an important question because, for most people, the answer is still pretty much no.
So just as a thought experiment, not because it’s the truth and definitely not because it’s an accusation or judgment, ask yourself how you’d answer if you felt you had the power to say a clear, honest yes or no and have it respected. (Not just from your boyfriend but from all the potential partners, well-meaning relatives, and random creeps in your life.)
Because without the power of a resounding no it’s hella hard to give an enthusiastic yes. And, here’s the trick from the old, old book Fat is a Feminist Issue, for a hell of a lot of women, empowerment melts self-consciousness.
—
I’d like to talk for just a moment about how you say you “hate your body.” It’s exactly not helpful at all for me to say that if that’s you in your blog avatar you’re a perfectly attractive young woman, because *my* opinion isn’t what’s important, right? And so me going “what are you talking about, you’re *beautiful* doesn’t answer the point that no, you don’t *feel* beautiful.
You mention you’re 5′6″ and 128 pounds and trying to lose weight through exercise and restricting. We all know the infamous BMI charts are almost bullshit, but using those numbers you’re at the low end of “normal weight” for someone your height. Just a point or two off of “underweight!” Which might explain why your boyfriend (unhelpfully!) keeps trying to get you to eat.
I say “unhelpfully” because there’s a non-zero (possibly pretty high) chance that your boyfriend doesn’t understand how you could not like your body. Unless he’s very immature it’s likely he thinks you’re beautiful too. I mention this because it’s hard to be sympathetic with someone who doesn’t feel they’re the *right* kind of beautiful… *their* kind.
I want to acknowledge that you feel how you feel. That you wish your body was a different way. I want to acknowledge how hard that is for you – especially if you can’t get anyone to agree.
Goodness knows I feel that! I don’t *want* to be tall and thin like a basketball player, I want to be medium height like a baseball player. Like. It bothers me to be naked around my partners because it’s so bad. (This may sound silly to you, but that’s my point!)
So I’ll say the trick for me has been to take it on faith that when someone else says I’m attractive they’re telling the truth. Faith is what you need when you simply can’t believe something yourself. It’s not religious faith, I don’t mean that. I just mean "I’m going to go along with your wrong-headed idea that I’m attractive to you because *goodness* it’s nice how you seem crazy about me.”
In fact, that’s a sort of awesome way to think about it. From our point of view our lovers are *literally* crazy about us! 😂
But I promise that if you can find a way to just “go along with the joke” it’ll have a surprising effect on you too. That feeling will never go away (unfortunately) but the longer you play along the less impact it’ll have on you.
Anyway, that’s sort of two not-very-helpful, dad’splaining answers for one Ask: do you feel able to say yes or no to sex and have it stick; are you able to “go along with the joke” when everyone around you says you’re attractive even when your self-image doesn’t see it.
Hope either one of those makes sense. Best of luck! And thanks again for checking in.
Hi! I was hoping to get an advise even though I know you’re not female. My bf is pissed off at me because we haven’t been intimate with each other for a few weeks because he’s waiting for me to start first. He’s angry cause we only have sex if he starts it. But I’m scared cause he rejected me twice. I’m diagnosed with depression & anxiety. I’ve scars and I hate my body and i don’t know what to anymore. I don’t know how to start with anything related to intimacy..
So your partner wants you to initiate sex in part because he feels like he always has to be the one. But you’re feeling anxious about it because you’ve maybe got body issues and depression and anxiety on top of that.
Even worse, at least two of the times you have tried initiating he’s rejected you!
That’s got to be so frustrating! I mean on the one hand it’s really nice that he’s open to you initiating. But on the other hand, insisting that you initiate, rejecting you, and then being pissed that you aren’t initiating more is… being generous here… kind of a dick move, isn’t it?
There are all kinds of situations that could lead to something like this. Just power-tripping is one of them (and might be the most likely.) If so then it would be a good idea to decide if you’re really happier involved with him than if you were alone.
That’s a kind of scary feeling, I know, but sometimes a partner, especially a dominant one, can control us by making us feel bad and unlovable about ourselves. Sometimes they’re hard on us for things other partners wouldn’t notice or might even find adorable! Like you being a beginner at initiating things or letting them initiate. (Cough. For instance.)
There’s another possibility though, and I want to be really sensitive about it. But you’ve mentioned depression, anxiety, and discomfort with your body, right? Is there a possibility that he is (or thinks he is) frustrated because you often turn him down when he tries to initiate? Like. Did he say something like “fine, you do it then?”
That would still be kind of a dick move. But as you’ve discovered from trying to initiate yourself, rejection can get you right through the middle, can’t it?
Again, I don’t know enough about your and his dynamic to be able to be very helpful. But I can say that a lot of times intimacy doesn’t start with sex. A lot of the time it starts with walking and talking, texting ahead of time to say things like “I miss you” and “I’m looking forward to seeing you.” It can be more bold, like saying, “when you get here I want to kiss you all over.” But it also can involve things like holding hands, talking about your feelings (the good ones), asking if you can kiss him or if he’ll kiss you.
If he’s critical of your overtures then, well, again that’s kind of a dick move. But ask him what he’d like. And then decide if it’s what you’d like.
A good way to tell if he’s right for you: let him know that you’re trying and that you’re taking baby steps and ask if he’ll be willing to “take over” if you’ll get started.
If he says “I appreciate that you’re trying, come give me a kiss” then great. If he says “No, that’s not quite good enough” then consider dumping his little heiney and holding out someone who’s more generous.
I’m not sure this was a very helpful answer. But best of luck with your boyfriend or, perhaps, with your next boyfriend.
its fuckingdisturbing that you want to treat women like children. immaturity is not sexy and you are vile for thinking so
Thank you for your comment. You feel I treat adult women as if they were children. It’s your position that immaturity is vile and that if I think it’s sexy I’m a vile person. Does that sound right?
Technically I want to treat competent, capable adult kinky partners the way they enjoy being treated during kinky activities. But if you don’t see the distinction it could certainly be vile and disgusting. I agree completely that if I didn’t see the difference either then I really would be a vile person!
It would be even worse if I wanted to treat all women (or men, actually) like children, wouldn’t it? And there are plenty of people in the world who think exactly that way. One of the tough things about having kinks is that they tend to be pretty transgressive, and very often reflect actions or behaviors that when sincerely believed and especially when advocated as social, legal, or religious are pretty fucking disturbing.
Luckily for all of us I’m not interested in child partners (eww), or adult partners who are immature (yikes), nor do I think all prospective partners are or should be child-like.
Also luckily the psychologists, artists, business owners, college students, emergency responders, single parents, athletes, and other adults who’ve flirted with or dated me since I started this Cg/L or D/Lg Daddy blog would be less than impressed if they thought I imagined were childlike or immature. Nor would they be impressed with anyone who leveled that accusation against them… as you’ll likely discover if you drop similar accusations in their inboxes.
I don’t know if you feel reassured by my answer but please believe me when I say I appreciate your concern. Best of luck in your own relationships, kinky or otherwise.