Posts Tagged ‘consent’
This makes me soooo happy because…Â Â
- Politely asking
- Getting a polite answer
- “wouldnât send it all willy nilly?!?!â đđ
Perfect âdad jokeâ in the sense that a good dad joke is the solemn acknowledgment of a possibly tense situation phrased in a way that helps soften or defuse it.
On D/Lg and Agency
Why does no one seem to realize the most important thing? Regardless of if DDLG was all about littles acting as kids and having that as a turn on. littles are over the age, and can CONSENT TO SEXUAL ACTIVITY. Daddies or doms may be attracted to anything just like everyone else in the world but they have relationships with OTHER ADULTS, in a CONSENTIAL MANNER. So where does that even become remotely close to pedophiles where they are attracted to children who CANNOT consent. There is a difference
Thank you for bringing this up. While my erstwhile correspondent was single-mindedly obsessed with the motivation of Daddies, the key difference is that unlike pedophilia, non-consensual sexual assault, genuine misogyny or misandry, and domestic violence, in power-exchange kinks the Little, Sub, Prey, âBimbo,â or Masochist is an active and autonomous agent pursuing and frequently initiating their own, usually erotic gratification.
By definition a child does not have agency. Itâs this lack of agency more than anything else that makes consent inadmissible. Even if the victim says âyes.â
This is particularly important considering how many child abusers claim their victim âwantedâ whatever was done. Letâs take a little side-trip to explore why thatâs 100% pure and utter gaslighting, self-serving, criminal bullshit.
Consider a more âneutralâ case: an adult whoâs drunk enough alcohol that theyâre too drunk to drive â drunk enough that any reasonable, responsible bystander would ask for their keys and call a cab if the drunk tried to leave. Someone that drunk is generally still able to speak, and to âmake decisions.â In fact there would be no cause to ask for car keys had the drunk not âdecidedâ they were going to drive home!
Now consider an adult drunk enough to have their car keys taken away instead announces theyâre horny, and when some rando says âIâll fuck youâ the drunk clearly and even enthusiastically announces âhell yeah you can fuck my drunky-wunky ass anytime, baybeee.â
Can we say at that point that the drunk has agency, or that despite their evident enthusiasm theyâre capable of competent consent?
No. No they are not. Being able to say the words, or even initiating sexual contact does not automatically constitute consent.
Itâs the same thing with minor children. If it were not so then an abuser could get away with saying âwhen I offered them candy they voluntarily and enthusiastically got into my van.â
A minor child, like an intoxicated adult, does not have the agency to give competent, credible consent. They just donât.
Which brings us back to adult bottoms in power-exchange kink relationships. As @beautifuly-damaged says in her ask, adult Littles are capable, autonomous adults who can give informed, active, and competent consent. As active and independent adult agents, not only are Littles and other bottoms in kink able to consent, theyâre able to initiate sexual activities with their partners for their own gratification.
Thatâs a⊠rather major difference.
One can wonder why, as the previous anon did, what might motivate another consenting adult to agree to participate as a top with a power-exchange bottom. But the anonâs level of angst, dismay, concern⊠or prurient interest and/or social signaling should take into account the active, independent, and even initiating agency of the bottoms who seek them out.
Anyway, big, big hatâs off, @beautifuly-damaged, for highlighting that night-and-day difference. And thanks for letting me dadâsplain about it too.
me: iâm horny
me when anyone whoâs not the one (1) person i made the post directed at interacts with me:
@radioactivepussyââs hashtags are really great too!
#this is about men who slide into my dms and send dick pics
#mutuals you are loved and welcome to interact
But. Yeah. Iâve mentioned previously that possibly the most embarrassing, humiliating, but also enlightening moment for me happened when a girl sitting next to me in my car, after weâd been talking for hours, pushed her hands between her legs and said âI. Just. Want. To. Fuck.â
And she did! Â
Very badly.Â
Just not by me.
Luckily I only said something like âme too, letâs go somewhere and fuckâ as opposed to putting my hand between her legs. But she clarified rather… well… clearly that I wasnât who sheâd had in mind.
Also, yeah, even if someone says âI want you, [your name here], to come over right now, this minute, so we can fuck each other, Iâm texting you my address and GPS coordinates right nowâ then still donât send her a goddamn pic of your dick, mâkay?
ppl should learn basic anatomy. Physical responses does not equal consent.
Say it louder for the people in the back!!
PHYSICAL RESPONSES DO NOT EQUAL CONSENT!!!!
Say it with me!!!!
PHYSICAL RESPONSES DO NOT EQUAL CONSENT!!!!
DICKS CAN GET HARD WHEN A GUY IS FEELING ANY STRONG EMOTION INCLUDING FEAR
AN ERECTION DOESNT ALWAYS MEAN THEYRE HORNY OR THEY WANT TO HAVE SEX
STOP ACTING LIKE AN ERECTION IS PROOF THAT A PERSON WAS IN THE MOOD TO FUCK
HE WAS RAPED
Dicks can get hard in guys sleep, doesnât give you permission to do anything to/with it, same with guys being passed out
Women often get wet when theyâre being raped too. Does that suddenly mean sheâs not being raped anymore? Nope! Itâs almost like your body and your mind arenât the same thing and just because your body does something, it doesnât mean your mind wants it or consents to it!Â
Also, have these people seriously missed out on the whole âteen boys bopping boners in the middle of class for no reasonâ thing or are they just that sexist?
Donât know anything else about them but yeah, what @angelic-king, @basicconstant15â and @largic said! Physical reflexes â consent.
This is a giant fucking problem that the general public doesnât know this.
âI know you want it, a hard dick / wet pussy doesnât lieâ is perhaps the biggest goddamn gaslight ever. Evidently every serial rapist figures this out very quickly. And exploits it ruthlessly – âyou were hard/wet so no one will believe you.â Which, as fucking dickwad RayHaluskaStatsStuff demonstrates, is often the bitter truth.
But also what the goddamn fucking hell is he on about with that âLifetime Rule of Dibs?â What even the fuck?
Look, pinheads and puddledroppers, someone says no mid-stroke it still means no. Let alone later that night. Let alone next week. Let alone ever again.
Maybe you donât think thatâs how it works but thatâs how it work!
I have a dom coming to visit me and he is adamant about not using a safe word. I’ve been looking forward to him coming down and have talked about what I would be comfortable with, but the idea of no safe word is frightening. Should i call if off or go through with it?
âThe idea of no safe word is frightening.â
You answered your own question, didnât you?
Iâm 100% sympathetic. You look forward to meeting him, and heâs comfortable talking to you about your needs and wants.Â
Iâve mentioned before that thereâs a school of thought in kink that safewords arenât actually safe… in the sense that a top should never get out of control and should always be 100% attentive and that too many bottoms get to hazy or even intimidated or âbraveâ to safeword. Â
But!
Since you can be all that and use safewords too itâs a red flag that this person is âadamantâ about not having one.
The only purpose of D/S in particular, BDSM and kink in a little more general, and non-intentionally-reproductive sex in general is for both of you to enjoy yourselves, to feel safe, to be happy, horny, healthy, and want to do it again. And again.
Thatâs a pretty low bar. Sounds like itâs not going to be met without him agreeing to letting you have a safeword and without you being 100% confident that heâll respect it you use it. And-and that he wonât wet his pants or throw a fit if you did use it.
So Iâm going to say call it off unless and until you stop being frightened instead of totally excited to submit to him.
In fact Iâm going to be blunt (not mean, just blunt) and say a good Dom would have called off his trip instead of putting you in the uncomfortable position of having to do it yourself! He hasnât. So maybe heâs not a good Dom for you.
Thank you so much for asking this question. Itâs a really, really important one that shouldnât need repeating but does. Over and over. Â
Hey, check out these two items that showed up one after another in my Tumblr feed. Maybe Iâm just being a cranky Daddy about porn again, but one of these faces should not be like the other one.Â
The woman in the bottom photo looks disgusted and angry because someone wonât leave her the fuck alone. And rightly so!
The one in the top photo looks even angrier and more disgusted while… having a fairly routine threeway. Â
Not exactly sure why that angry/disgusted “omg thereâs a penis in meâ look is so common on women in porn, but I think itâs got a lot to do with the fact that a heck of a lot of industrial pornographers are every bit as prissy, prudish, immature, and socially conservative as their âmoral majorityâ critics.
Although to be fair, repeated porn-industry statistics show the biggest consumers of industrial porn are from highly-conservative parts of the country where, who knows, maybe the customers expect their partners to be angry and disgusted by sex! I dunno.
You see the same thing in âXXXtreme BDSMâ porn from Kink.com and its asshat wannabes where the women âmasochistsâ (and itâs mostly women) look miserable, unhappy, uncomfortable, and afraid. When really most of the Masochists Iâve met are generally happy, horny, and downright enthusiastic.
But at least they rarely look as infuriated as they do in mainstream-vanilla porn.
Rule #5: donât do it like they do it in porn. If you really donât like something use a safeword. And if you donât have one thereâs always the universal safeword: âwhat the fuck, asshole?!?!â
Face slapping anon here. Thank you for answering and In so many ways with so many options. I think I will hold off on it and find someone professional to help me work through it. I hope youâre having a great Friday! Thanks again.
Thank you so much for letting me know! And thank you for putting up with all my dadâsplaining. I think holding off and talking to someone is an even better plan than âleave it alone.â
Best of luck! Thanks again!
You donât have to post this. I married my dom. They cheated, I left. Ever since my little side has been hiding. Scared to come out and be hurt so bad again. Your blog has helped my little side feel a little safer. Helped me realize that all doms are not bad. Youâve helped me find myself again and I know itâs silly, because I donât know you, but I am endlessly grateful for your oblivious help in this matter. I hope you have a wonderful and fulfilling life from the deepest part of my soul.
My âoblivious help?â đđđ Thatâs me!!! A truly older, experienced gentleman understands that he may be wise but itâs probably about the things he thinks he is. Â
If you wanted to put one of my ongoing themes into pure D/Lg it would be âone of these things is not like the other one.â
Iâve found there are two big, big benefits to questioning or âinterrogatingâ stereotypes.
1) Statements like âall X are Yâ for whole classes of people arenât very workable, let alone… well… true.  âYou canât trust all Domsâ is as non-useful as âyou can trust all Doms.â Dominance is only one of literally thousands of characteristics in a 4-dimensional human being (including âover time.â) But also
2) When you start questioning stereotypes you start to realize theyâre not external truths but internal âtruths.â Which can mean the one thing all your stereotypes really have in common is you!  And once you get that theyâre your assumptions or beliefs you can start to see perfectly lovely Xs who arenât Y.
Iâm so glad youâre finding yourself again. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Due to being hit in the face as punishment when I was a child my face is off limits during play. I want to be able to engage in face slapping in the future. Is it possible to work past this or should I leave it alone?
Wow, thatâs an excellent question. Naturally thereâs no one answer, let alone one good answer.
The first question would be is this an erotic fantasy for you? If so then great, you can enjoy the fantasy all day long. Lots of things that get us off in fantasy arent that great in reality. (Ask anyone whoâs fantasized about owning a sailboat!!!)
The next question is would it turn you on to actually do it? On the one hand it could be triggering as hell, in which case maybe leave it alone. (My default answer is always going to be leave it alone.). On the other hand youâve actually experienced it do you have âmuscle memoryâ of how it feels and what it does. Which leads to…
There are a lot of things we can do where the context makes all the difference in how we feel about it. Pressing lips together can be thrilling with a lover, yucky with great aunt Margaret, routine for a French diplomat, and horrifying when itâs your drunk brother in law. Sameâs true with tough play in sex. A soccer ball in the face, a smack from an angry parent, and an erotic slap from a Dominant partner all feel the same physically, but the emotional significance can be radically different.
Unless youâre reflexively triggered. In which itâs all the same… and you should leave it alone.
Last question would be do you want this or do you feel itâs necessary to be a âgoodâ Submissive or Masochist? Because itâs really not something a lot of real Doms or Sadists need to do. Unless itâs a specific fetish of theirs theyâre going to assess your boundaries and figure out all the other things they can do instead. The point being that clear boundaries and hard limits make good BDSM. If you have a partner who canât handle that for any reason? Leave it, and then, alone.
Finally, if you really do get reflexively triggered but you do get turned on and want to do it, consider finding a good EMDR practitioner to help move your triggers out of your âhindbrainâ and into your âforebrainâ where you can process it consciously. Maybe!
Which brings up a really important point: kink is not a great way to avoid processing genuine trauma. Doms arenât trained trauma therapists, and even if they were it would violate professional ethics to perform it on their romantic or sexual partners. Itâs also not ethical to use a Dom to work through something. Cause itâs… well… using them!
All that said, my main answer is going to be if you can comfortably leave it alone itâs probably best to leave it alone. If not then be crystal clear in your communication, set very clear boundaries, and maybe talk to someone professionally because… dang it all, somebody slapped you around when you were a little kid! Nobody should have to keep living with that without a little support.
Thank you so much for asking. Best of luck whatever you choose, ok?