By Thomas Oldenough | November 11, 2019 | Comments Off on Hi, I’ve just started talking to a guy. He is vastly more vanilla than I am, but I’ve been talking to him about trying more kinky things. More basic like light spanking, letting him be a little more in control, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary yet. I was wondering how to not scare him with kinker ideas and, hopefully, application of them. Thank you
Good question! Sounds like you’re into things that might be kinkier than he’s comfortable with? And you’d like to do more with him… or more accurately you’d like him to do more with you, without coming on “too strong?” Just want to make sure. Please let me know if I’ve missed an important point, ok?
I can’t speak for all guys but if it was me (hey, it has been me in the past!) then two things would work really well.
First, “slow and steady wins the race.” Let him try those nothing-out-of-the-ordinary things with you first. And see how he likes it. Vanilla people, men especially, can take a little time to digest what a lot of us already know. What you’re a living example of: Submission is its own kink, and that what you want him to do is almost by-definition is rough but not violent, domineering but not abusive.
And don’t get me wrong – we want people to be reluctant about violence and abuse! And it’s actually a good thing to have a responsible Sub (you are going to be responsible) to help them learn how to distinguish them. (I say you’re going to be responsible because the last thing we want is him doing those things before he understands the difference.)
Second: Let him know that the idea of him doing those things with, to, and for you makes you wet and happy. Most men enjoy that idea rather a lot. Even more for someone they actually care about.
If you’re still really in the “just started talking” part of a relationship and not “bring your toothbrush in your bag” stage, it’s an even better time to talk to him about it. Being a Sub, even a hungry, horny one, doesn’t mean you’re necessarily hop in the sack with him right away. So it’s ok to talk about not just boundaries and limits but wants and desires before you get around to doing them. Just be clear those are ideals you have in mind, not that it’s either an invitation or a laundry list for him.
Oh, one last thing: let him know about the difference between “topping from the bottom” and mentoring him. Be clear that your intention really is to Submit to him – and that at each point it will be his decision what he chooses to do based on your feedback.
That said (since this is advice for everybody and not just you) it’s still his choice! He might not want to be a Dom. He might not want to be much of a Dom. Or not one all the time. You have to be ok with that too – boundaries, limits, and consent go both ways.
Let me know what you think. Feel free to show him this post too. I want both of you to succeed and be happy with who you both are and not who either things they or the other is “supposed” to be.
Comments Off on Hi, I’ve just started talking to a guy. He is vastly more vanilla than I am, but I’ve been talking to him about trying more kinky things. More basic like light spanking, letting him be a little more in control, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary yet. I was wondering how to not scare him with kinker ideas and, hopefully, application of them. Thank you
It’s little things like when I take my belt off while just changing pants and I turn around and there you are all bent over.
When folks get that Masochism and Submission are their own, independent kinks it’s a lot harder to mistake D/S or S&M for abuse.
Because it’s not always about consent, is it? No, consent is just the bare minimum requirement. An older, experienced gentleman waits till he knows you’re hungry for it. Because only a total toolbag would do it if you weren’t.
“Thinking of your [Little] as behaving badly disposes you to think of punishment. Thinking of your [Little] as struggling to handle something difficult encourages you to help them through their distress.”
Not sure who said this but next time someone asks the difference between Daddy Doms and non-Dom Daddies I’ll have to remember this.
Mind you the difficulty I might be encouraging you to overcome might be a bit of sadistic or bondage mischief I’ve dreamed up. Or could be from administering consequences you chose for yourself when setting a goal. Because “soft Daddy” doesn’t have to mean “vanilla,” does it?
But actual punishment isn’t very useful if you want meaningful long-term results.
The best leaders present commands that appear as opportunities to those they lead.
Maybe so. But pretty sure you wouldn’t mind if instead I looked in your eyes, softly caressed your cheek, and said “I’m going to bend you over my desk and take them off for you.”
Wait! How does YOUR sweetie chill with you when you’re watching shows? If we weren’t playing hold-still games we couldn’t call it “chilling,” could we, skylight?
Well technically it’s not an inspection when I lower your panties with my big strong hands, is it, sparkletoes? Because we both know what I’ll find, don’t we?
Notice how carefully and almost gently he’s spanking her? Also notice how he’s already warmed her up? Surprised? Please don’t be. That’s the way you do it!
Folks who don’t understand kink imagine spanking is always aggressive, punitive, and hard as possible – you know, the way angry parents, teachers, and frat boys do it.
But really, while yes you’ll find capital-M Masochists who genuinely thrive on serious pain, for almost everyone else the key isn’t how hard you’re spanked but how well.
I mean, look. It’s like pretty much everything else in sex, right? Yes, you can just jam an object inside someone without warming them up, or start jacking a guy with no warmup, or stick your tongue down someone’s throat on the first kiss. And yes, you can find people who like that too!
But most people don’t. And therefore, kinksters being people and all, most kinksters don’t care much for it either.
I’m always saying “don’t do it the way they do it in porn.” Let me just add “don’t do it the way angry parents, teachers, and frat boys do it either.”
