This, actually. Iâm a very earnest kinky Daddy. Iâll cheerfully fuck your freshly spanked ass without loosening my grip on the belt around your throat, and then solemnly stay up all night helping you prep for a big presentation in the morning, make you breakfast, and mean it when I say, from the bottom of my heart, âgo get em, tiger.â
Good question! Sounds like youâre into things that might be kinkier than heâs comfortable with? And youâd like to do more with him… or more accurately youâd like him to do more with you, without coming on âtoo strong?â Just want to make sure. Please let me know if Iâve missed an important point, ok?
I canât speak for all guys but if it was me (hey, it has been me in the past!) then two things would work really well.
First, âslow and steady wins the race.â Let him try those nothing-out-of-the-ordinary things with you first. And see how he likes it. Vanilla people, men especially, can take a little time to digest what a lot of us already know. What youâre a living example of: Submission is its own kink, and that what you want him to do is almost by-definition is rough but not violent, domineering but not abusive.
And donât get me wrong – we want people to be reluctant about violence and abuse! And itâs actually a good thing to have a responsible Sub (you are going to be responsible) to help them learn how to distinguish them. (I say youâre going to be responsible because the last thing we want is him doing those things before he understands the difference.)
Second: Let him know that the idea of him doing those things with, to, and for you makes you wet and happy. Most men enjoy that idea rather a lot. Even more for someone they actually care about.
If youâre still really in the âjust started talkingâ part of a relationship and not âbring your toothbrush in your bagâ stage, itâs an even better time to talk to him about it. Being a Sub, even a hungry, horny one, doesnât mean youâre necessarily hop in the sack with him right away. So itâs ok to talk about not just boundaries and limits but wants and desires before you get around to doing them. Just be clear those are ideals you have in mind, not that itâs either an invitation or a laundry list for him.
Oh, one last thing: let him know about the difference between âtopping from the bottomâ and mentoring him. Be clear that your intention really is to Submit to him – and that at each point it will be his decision what he chooses to do based on your feedback. Â
That said (since this is advice for everybody and not just you) itâs still his choice! He might not want to be a Dom. He might not want to be much of a Dom. Or not one all the time. You have to be ok with that too – boundaries, limits, and consent go both ways.
Let me know what you think. Feel free to show him this post too. I want both of you to succeed and be happy with who you both are and not who either things they or the other is âsupposedâ to be.
Thanks for your kind words. I say what I do to remind myself, too, not just others. Because I havenât always been a good role model. So thank you!
Seriously. On an old blog my tag line was âlearning from my mistakes so you wonât have to.â Itâs still true. Iâve surely made enough of them.
Itâs human to learn from your own mistakes. Itâs civilized to learn from the mistakes of others. Be civilized.
Found the meme on Reddit. I was tempted to say âbeing a D/Lg Daddy in a nutshellâ and yeah, itâs that. But really itâs what all real partners do for each other, isnât it? Because no matter what our role or kink, remember weâre all partners first.
Itâs little things like when I take my belt off while just changing pants and I turn around and there you are all bent over.
When folks get that Masochism and Submission are their own, independent kinks itâs a lot harder to mistake D/S or S&M for abuse.
Because itâs not always about consent, is it? No, consent is just the bare minimum requirement. An older, experienced gentleman waits till he knows youâre hungry for it. Because only a total toolbag would do it if you werenât.
Honestly, thereâs just too many folks down on themselves in the kink community. Any time you hear that inner voice ask yourself âWho says.â And then? Ask yourself âwho else says?â
You deserve a little distance. Give yourself some.
i want men to be able to emotionally connect with people they donât plan on having sex with. i want men to stop assuming i am planning on having sex with them because i make an effort to engage with them emotionally. i want men to stop feeling personally betrayed by the fact that i engage deeply & genuinely with people regardless of whether i desire them sexually, because i value people & seek to understand & connect with them regardless of sexual attraction
Would I like to have sex with you? I might! For that matter would you like to have sex with me? Perhaps! Does that have anything to do with whether Iâd take steps in that direction?
If youâre not surprised when I say âprobably notâ itâs because we both understand how improbable it is that weâd both want to enough to overcome all the practicalities that stand in the way of either of us saying yes. And finding time. And not being at least somewhat entangled in other relationships, other interests, other obligations.
And so chances are neither of us would act. Or do more than briefly consider it.
So. Little story.
A friend of a friend (real, someone I met though never said much to) used to stand on a corner in Manhattan and quietly murmur âwant to fuckâ to every woman who walked by.
Every few days someone said yes.
His success rate was somewhat better than the average singles nightclub âplayers.â
The point being that lots of women want to fuck. The idea of âsexual scarcityâ is more in your head than any kind of fact of life.
And once that realization percolates then the corollary comes through too: everything isnât just about trying to get laid. Every interaction with a woman doesnât have to be about getting laid.
And once that notion settles in itâs genuine cool how many awesome, entirely collegial, even affectionate relationships you can have with women.
Note: itâs not like you wouldnât still check out her butt if sheâs cute. Any more than she wouldnât check out yours.
But the awesome thing about women youâre truly just friends with is… you never become each otherâs exes either. And sometimes you even become each otherâs confidant, wingman, and lifelong friend.
Sex is surprisingly easy. Friendship is hard. Make friends.
Ok. So. About sending those unsolicited dick pics…
Itâs kind of like picking your nose and eating it.
Just saying. You know you donât make a big deal out of it but kind of sidle off when someone eats their boogers? And how you donât say anything but you kind of check them off your list?
Itâs kind of the same thing with dick pics. Youâll get a reaction but itâll be the ânot say anything but check you off their listâ reaction.
You probably donât want that.
The difference is that if someone actually likes you and gets to know you they still wonât want to see you eat your boogers. But! Once they really get to know you theyâre surprisingly likely to want to see your dick. And do more than look!
