I dont think this is headed in the direction you think it is. We see this phrase and relate it to the submissive mind, words given by Doms to their submissives. They are powerful tools in helping us to “gird our loins”, so to speak. They are instrumental in helping us to stand strong in the face of our fears, to encourage us in areas in which we need bolstering. They are a comfort to us at times when life tries to drag us under. They are a powerful reminder of who we are, apart from what the world sees, and to whom we belong. I can attest to their power in my own life. Daily affirmations are the most powerful and versatile tool a Dom has to help his submissive, in my opinion. We all would agree with their importance. But….what about Doms? That’s the question that keeps circling around in my mind. I’ve asked my friends in the community if they give their Doms words to say or my Dom friends if they’ve been given them by their submissives. I’ve never seen anyone write about it. The ones I’ve spoken with havent experienced it, on either side of the slash. Why not? I understand the guidance part. A Dom is the one who leads and guides and cares for the submissive. Our words are part of that. Doms experience low times too, though. Doms get overwhelmed and anxious and swallowed up in the challenges they face, as well. I’ve read endless posts of Doms dealing with work and family stress, medical issues, feelings of failure, and depression. Don’t they need and deserve words from their subs, of encouragement? I look at my words as a love letter from my Dom. His words to me carry me through those tough times, they remind me of His love for me, that He’s always thinking of me. I think Doms deserve those words, too. Words from us. Special words to them that remind them of who THEY are. Words that remind THEM that they’ve got this, they can do it. Words that remind THEM of who they belong to. Words that they can carry with them and hear whenever and wherever THEY need them. Love letters. To THEM. â€
09/27/19
This! Doms and Daddies arenât magic. Weâre flesh and blood and hormones too. Itâs a quirk in our natures that we gain strength and fulfillment from taking responsibility. But weâre still human.
Iâm going to declare that the measure of a good Dom is how well he or she or they raise their Subâs confidence and self-awareness not just by deeds but words. But whatever our dynamics together Subs and Littles and other bottoms are our equal, autonomous, and powerful relationship partners. And do your word of affirmation mean the world to us. We only need to learn to hear them.
If you donât understand that being a D/Lg Little or D/S Sub or S&M Masochist is itâs own active, independent, autonomous kink you wonât be able to understand kink at all. Not even a little bit!
Iâd add, incidentally, that because of this itâs important for Littles, Subs, and other bottoms remember that itâs just as important for you to get consent and respect boundaries when you initiate play. Especially with a new partner.
Thatâs one of the things I mean I mean by people not understanding D/Lg or D/S, by the way. Itâs just so baked into our stereotypes that Littles or Subs are always and exclusively under the thumb of their top that it simply never occurs to them that as active agents with your own agenda a kinky bottom wants what you want. And itâs even less well understood, even in the kink community, that you have your own responsibilities as well as rights.
And meanwhile, yes, if weâve been properly introduced then of course you can sit in my lap, papercut!
Look at how small that little bum of yours is, daddy can spank both your cheeks with just one hand
Ok. So soo many Littles and Subs have asked: âhow can you get off on taking more responsibility during sex.â And Iâve always wondered âhow could I not?â because Iâm a Daddy, and a lower-case dom, and an all-around top and itâs… just… like that for me.
Well. Since Iâm a top Iâm equally baffled that someone would get off on someone maybe a foot taller than you taking you in hand, supporting you, bending you over and lifting your skirt and squeezing or spanking your upturned ass, opening your legs and touching you, pushing you to their knees or lifting your hips with my big strong hands because youâve said you get off on being used âlike a rag doll.â
But part of being a top is learning to listen, isnât it? And part of being a partner is having trust and faith in you! And enjoying being together with you, doing the things we love best, and getting that we enjoy each of us giving what the other wants as much as we enjoy receiving what we want.
I donât know why we like what we like. But Iâm so glad we do. And if we can find each other and do them together? That can make the world go round, canât it, leafhopper?
Just because Iâm poly, doesnât mean I want to pursue every possible relationship opportunity that presents itself.
Just because Iâm poly and a Domme, doesnât mean that I want a harem of subs.
Just because Iâm poly, doesnât mean that I want to flirt with or fuck everyone I meet.
It means that when the time is right, with the right person, under the perfect circumstances, I have room in my heart for them.
Thank you! Oh my goodness this is so well said!
Just like being bisexual doesnât mean you want to have sex with everybody, being poly doesnât mean you want to be in a relationship with everybody. Â
And not to put too fine a point on it but just because someoneâs monogamous doesnât mean they still donât like flirting, at least, and sometimes even fucking! (Letâs check our stereotypes about monogamy too, theyâre also demonstrably wrong.)
There are some extraordinarily prim but still authentically poly people out there in what amounts to lifelong âmonogamousâ relationships that just happen to be with two partners instead of one. But even for those who are profligately promiscuous, their polyamory does not automatically give you a free pass into their beds.
Well, I wanted to take my time with this one even though I got about 15 asks.
Collaring is a sign of ownership in a D/s relationship, but there are several types of collars in D/s, from play collars to training collars to discreet day collars and more. But the reference I tend to mention often is the idea of a collar as a symbol of the relationship itself, not play per se.
Now for people new to BDSM, you should know that collaring or being a collared sub is a huge deal. Some people have full-blown ceremonies like weddings and some people see a collar as greater than or on par with a wedding band. Not everyone does, obviously, but some people like myself tend to see it as a major commitment.
It signifies in some ways something different than a wedding band because, in order to get to the place of wanting to give a collar or accept a collar, it should mean you have exposed an emotional side that is the most open and vulnerable you get, and unfortunately, not all marriages ever have that, as we all know.
In comparison to a marriage, in some ways, it is purer. Nobody in your real life has to even know you are collared so there is no peer pressure element from your parents or element to do it because it was expected because you got pregnant or you are aging or the multitude of reasons people get married.Â
The reality is that even in the best marriages, most people get married because there is at least a small factor somewhere that âthey are expected toâ, but nobody âexpects you toâ get collared because almost nobody even knows you even did.
So being collared is just a very personal, emotion-only, loving and amazing act between two people who have melted into each other.Â
Itâs just a very beautiful commitment.
As a collared sub, the idea is you never take it off, ever. At least, in my belief. It is meant to be lifelong at the time it is put on, in most peopleâs cases.Â
Now a lot of people think being collared means âwearing an actual collarâ around your neck, but it usually is a discreet day collar, which could be a necklace, anklet, or bracelet and it could be very very simple, like a little black slipknot bracelet or a simple necklace like the one above. Some people even get a tattoo to mark themselves permanently.
In D/s, people – all people – have a tendency to âdo stuffâ without thinking it through a lot. Itâs common and itâs normal. D/s and BDSM is a hot and sexy, visceral passionate way to embrace certain sides of yourself. As a Dom or sub, itâs just fun to have rough sex or fun to do Tasks.Â
But collaring is different in one key way from all other D/s acts.
Collaring is the one thing – the singular thing – that is rational and well-thought-out, in a world of emotion-driven actions. Collaring is the pinnacle. Collaring is as deep as the rabbit hole goes.
So to disrespect the collared relationship is pretty bad because you are effectively voiding out what that person gave to you, as the sub or Dom. Now everybody fucks up, which is normal. Itâs not like you canât fuck up if being a Dom with a collared sub or being a collared sub. By the way – when she wears a collar, the Dom does too in spirit, so it goes both ways. Itâs not like she has to be a saint and he can be a douche. Itâs both of them – bonded – in a very special way.
This is a lot of how Daddy and I see collaring too.
Collaring is significant. It is meaningful. It is a goal, a gift, a commitment and a responsibility. We arenât even into play collars because of how important we find it as a symbol, so we prefer a belt or rope, (or something similar) for play.
See, we are still navigating what D/s and full spectrum power exchange mean to us. We are committed, in love and married, but he wonât collar me, and I wonât accept a collar from him until we both commit to this life.
To us a collar is more than just a symbol our commitment to kink and each other, it is about our commitment to this dynamic, and ownership of our roles within it.
It took us four years to decide to commit to marriage, and afterwards we joked about how it was âleveling up.â When we discovered D/s and it opened this new path for us, we said it was like finishing the game and starting the next one.
This new game called Full Spectrum is our continued discovery of our life together. It is about growing even more open and vulnerable and connected. It is about the discovery of more parts of ourselves and our relationship.
What does dominance mean to Daddy? How does my submission make me, me? What are my needs, his needs, his wants, my wants? How will we live our dynamic in public, in private, with kids, with our families? What does this commitment to power exchange mean to us individually and together? Do we choose this, is this who we are, and what does that mean?
We have only been officially D/s for less than a year, and I am not in a hurry to be collared. I think it takes time to discover the answers to those questions, time for our commitment, ownership, and connection to grow within a new dynamic, even if it already had deep roots.
Collaring is significant to us because it is about who we are individually, to each other and what we become together. There are still a lot of levels to explore before we reach what a complete commitment not just to us, but to our dynamic and this way of life means.
When we reach that point, when we know what this means to us, then we will take that step. He will give my collar, and by putting it on, I will give him his.
We will continue down this rabbit hole and face the jabberwocky together, committed warriors within our relationship, connected by what the collar means. The pinnacle of our commitment, our connection, our responsibility.
That is what we see as collaring.
So this is pretty important for two great reasons.
âCollaringâ is the D/S or M/S equivalent of marriage
âPutting on a collarâ is just regular old bondage or pet play
Both of these are legitimate things kinky people can do… but if you donât realize collars can have radically different significance you can end up with a lot of misunderstanding, frustration, even alarm or anger.
If youâre new to kink, donât be surprised if you get more of a response when you say âcollarâ than you expected. And if youâve been in the community for years be generous to newcomers who might not understand the significance.
This is why it was so much easier to make friends when you were in school; you were trapped with those people all day Monday to Friday. Itâs OK that itâs harder to make really good friends now that youâre an adult
Yes, this! Itâs also why regular get together are so useful. If you want to make friends as an adult? Join a book club, go to a craft meet up, find an excuse to hang out w/ approximately the same people once a week for a couple of hours. As you get to know them, invite them out other places. Yes, itâs a pain to have to do the work to socialize, but if you want the friends, you have to trap yourself with the other people.
Reblogging for all my mutuals who have asked âWhy is it so hard to make friends as an adult?â
âif you want the friends, you have to trap yourself with the other peopleâ sounds so sinister.Â
Hmm. Wonder how this translates to dating.
This! This is super important. Iâll add there are two components to this, by the way.
1) Mental / intellectual / emotional / spiritual: we can do this online, canât we? Get to know each other intimately and well. Get each other off. Fall in love. Argue and reconcile. Support and console. Grow cool and then grow warm again. Share of photos of family, friends, places, and naughty bits. Skype and text and phone too!
2) Two or more physical bodies in the same place: Youâd think the first time we meet face to face would be a logical, seamlessly fluid transition. But often itâs a bit jarring. Because all of part 1, above, happens in the parts of our brains that are above our ears. Part two? Thatâs where our reflexive fight-or-flight âlizardâ brains and our impulsive and pre-conscious âmonkeyâ brains get their first introductions. And below our ears? Our bodies are going âwait, weâre two large primates and weâre inside each otherâs personal space, how did this happen and Why was I Not Informed?!?!?â
A lot of those 50, 100, and 200 hour bonds can form online just fine. But some of them? Yeah, itâs about being under the same roof.
The good news is that our bodies adjust pretty quickly to each otherâs sight, weight, smell, and sounds. And itâs not like our brains keep our bodies on a pretty good leash. But if you understand that part #2 really is a thing, and give each other a little space for ordinary socializing and greeting, youâll find the rest of your date, weekend, or lifetime together will go quite a bit more smoothly.
Wow, this is a wonderful question. Iâm glad youâve asked!
The short answer is that Doms and Subs are human beings and itâs possible for human beings to have more than one partner. And so itâs possible for a Dom or a Sub to have more than one partner.
But!
Just because weâre capable of it doesnât mean one has to agree with it or go along with it.
It sounds like itâs not for you. Thereâs absolutely nothing wrong with that. My blunt recommendation, especially if youâre new to all this, is to keep looking. Even though itâs frustrating and hard and I know youâre trying really hard!
But as with any relationship, a kinky relationship should make you happy! And based on what youâve said I donât think youâll be happy being his secondary partner. Â
Again, my guiding principle is if you wouldnât put up with it from a vanilla partner you donât have to put up with it with a kinky partner.
There are plenty of monogamous D/S relationships! Â
Like any other kind of good long-term relationship, theyâre a little harder to find – not everyone in kink seems to see it that way. But theyâre there. And in your case theyâre probably worth looking for.
This doesnât mean you might not be able to learn things from the Dom youâre talking to. If youâre new and if youâre really confident he can teach you things then you might want to get a little closer. But it sounds like heâs quite clear that heâs not interested in an exclusive or even primary relationship with you – and to be honest if heâs willing to give up an established Sub to be exclusive with you whatâs to say he wouldnât find someone else before *you* were done being together?
There are ways to work with jealousy in poly relationships – the big myth is that poly people never get jealous. But before you go there you have to ask yourself âdo I want to be poly?â And if the answer is no then you donât need to work on ordinary jealousy. (Ordinary jealousy is where you feel bad when someone flirts with your partner or they flirt back; restrictive jealousy is when you canât stand them even being in the same room with someone. That you still have to work on.)
Anyway, best of luck, ok? Youâre new to this and especially when youâre new it can feel like you just want to get started. But if you keep looking youâre likely to find someone whoâs at least a little bit more compatible.
