By Thomas Oldenough | October 10, 2019 | Comments Off on Hi! it’s the 19 y/o again. I just started college, the guy i’m talking to is 34. I’ve only hung out with him twice bc of distance n lack of cars, but this last time was amazing. no one has ever made me feel like that sexually or even just in general. He won’t give me a clear answer as to what we are and i just really wanna be with him. I’m also scared i’ll fuck it up because i have an eating disorder and bad depression. I always feel like no one can handle me or love me..
Part 2: still the 19 year old.. but i just wanted to add that college has been a bit rough. My eating disorder has not been kind and i’ve gained a little weight and it’s really wrecking me. i think that he won’t like me anymore or that i’m not attractive. i just have so much going through my head … ahhhh.. thank you
Thanks for checking in!
First of all can I just say congratulations! I remember you from last time. I’m glad things are working out with your partner. And can I just say it sounds like they really are working out?
Let me say that again. You’ve known him online and gotten along. You’ve met him twice and the last time was amazing! Sounds like things are really working out!!!!
Good for you! Good for him. Lucky you! And lucky him too! Because you’re probably pretty wonderful. If you weren’t there wouldn’t have been a second time, would there?
Ok. So now a little tough love. It might not last! Sure. You might let your anxiety and your eating disorder mess things up. Or he could never give you a clear answer… or even have a clear answer! Or distance could become too much of an obstacle. Or he could fall for someone else. Or, let’s be real, you could fall for someone else!
Shit like that can happen to the best relationships.
But here’s the trick: the measure of a deep, meaningful, awesome, and fullfilling relationship is not how long it lasts.
There used to be this old guy on the radio who’d do a shoutout to people who’d been married 50, or 75, or 90 years! I think they do this on morning TV shows as well. But, question: do you think most of those couples were happy for all 50 or 75 or 90 years?
You can actually have a perfect relationship in 24 hours – with a beautiful beginning, middle, and ending. One you’ll never forget. Even if you’re never be able to recapture it, even if, as in the Before Sunrise trilogy of movies, you’re able to reconnect years later.
There was a dessert chain in my town years ago. Their motto was “life is uncertain, eat dessert first.” Ironically they owners eventually lot interest, the quality went down, and they went out of business. I still miss them from their early days, even though I never went towards the end of their run.
Relationships can be like that. Including yours. It might last forever. It might not last much longer at all. But! Here’s the trick. As with that dessert chain, always honor the person you met, not the person you broke up with!
Not everyone’s made for each other. Not every time is the right time for a relationship to work. Sometimes things go great but your lives take different paths.
That’s all ok! The only “should” or “shouldn’t” in any of that is if you make a breakup a judgment about you.
I get that you’re dealing with depression and an eating disorder. I get that you’re struggling in college and it could be that your eating disorder is part of the problem. I get that you and your sweetie live far apart. I get that he doesn’t seem ready to commit to something with you.
Gonna sound funny, but none of those have anything to do with whether you’ll work out. I won’t have anything to do with it working out. It won’t have anything to do with not working out.
Instead it’ll be something completely oddball and out of the blue. Because love and relationships are like that.
But if it works out it won’t be because you’re a celestial superstar – lots of perfectly mediocre, doughy, underachieving, mopey, unlucky people have awesome relationships that last a lifetime. But if it doesn’t work out it won’t be because you’re mediocre, doughy, mopey, underachieving, or mopey. Because lots of stellar, super-fit, high-achieving, upbeat people can’t find love in a sleeping bag with a flashlight.
It won’t be you. It won’t even be him!
So….
That’s all my way of addressing your fears. They’re real fears and I want to acknowledge them. But! They’re not true fears! If that makes sense. You’re worried because you feel great and you don’t want this awesome feeling to end. And so you’re kind of making shit up because that’s what us human beings do – we can’t help ourselves! And you’re a wonderful human being, and because you’re a human being you can’t help yourself any more than the rest of us can.
One last thing: I hate, hate, hate pulling the age card. (I almost always have my tongue in my cheek when I say “older, experienced” in my caption.) But in this case I’m going to say it anyway.
Be happy with this relationship and don’t worry about it ending or falling apart. Really! The biggest fear I’ve noticed in myself and in others is “I’ll never love again.” Or maybe “I’ll never love like this again.” But really, you will! You’ll love this guy and if you do you’ll find you love him more and more. Or when this one ends, and you think the world’s going to fall apart and your life is over, you’ll meet someone else. And discover it gets better!
Even for depressed people. Even for people with eating disorders. Even people in college. Even people with older partners. Even people with partners far away. And even when your last relationship included moments that no one else had ever made you feel like either sexually or in general.
Here’s the trick with that: you were able to feel that!!! Yes, you felt it with him, but you felt that!
Someone once told me they realized every one of their exes had only one thing in common: them. And they said once they realized that they were able to find a partner that they’ve been with ever since. Not because the other person was wonderful, and definitely not because that person “finally completed them.” But because they realized they didn’t need someone else to “complete them.”
So they stopped looking for something in everyone else.
You said way up at the top that you’re worried you’re going to “fuck it up.” Eh. Maybe so! But I’m going to say I bet you won’t! That makes two equally unfounded opinions. Choose which one you like better, though!
Why am I going on and on with personal histories and stories about movies, and unfounded opinions, and blah, blah, blah? Easy!
I’m doing it because I want you to feel confident and encouraged, and not to worry that you might fall because if you do you’ll know you can get back up again.
Because if you’re not afraid of failing – at love, life, or poker – your chance of success goes through the roof.
Finally, yeah, he might not be willing to say “what you are” yet. To be honest it’s kind of early days. It’s possible he’s worried you’re too good to be true and worried that he’ll fuck it up, just like you are! That’s what I mean by it might not be you!
Be as generous to yourself as you want to be to your new sweetie. Even if you aren’t “made for each other” you’re still probably both pretty awesome human beings.
Comments Off on Hi! it’s the 19 y/o again. I just started college, the guy i’m talking to is 34. I’ve only hung out with him twice bc of distance n lack of cars, but this last time was amazing. no one has ever made me feel like that sexually or even just in general. He won’t give me a clear answer as to what we are and i just really wanna be with him. I’m also scared i’ll fuck it up because i have an eating disorder and bad depression. I always feel like no one can handle me or love me..
By Thomas Oldenough | October 8, 2019 | Comments Off on hey there, i was hoping you could lend some advice about bottoming. we’re both switches, but i really prefer to top; during the moment, however, i can seem to be really into it. truth is, my mind is wired the entire time and i’m overthinking, even though i come. we do long sessions of after-care, but emotions like inferiority etc. can stay for days. frequently bottoming leaves me emotionally sensitive afterwards but i don’t wanna take that enjoyment away from her; i want it perfect for her :((
If I can try to paraphrase it sounds like you’re up for bottoming for your switch-y partner, but instead of dropping into subspace you still keep that hyper-awareness that comes naturally to tops. Sounds like the kind of topping she likes leaves you feeling inferior and jumpy for days after, even though she tries to do good aftercare for you. And finally, you want her to enjoy herself too but it’s coming at your expense. Does all that sound about right?
I’m going to invite you to try on that you’re not really a switch. Not saying you aren’t, just asking you to consider what if you’re not.
If you were always a top, even when you let her play with you, you could keep the topping hierarchy in mind:
Sub’s needs
Dom’s needs
Dom’s wants
Sub’s wants
A good top “wants it perfect” for their partner. That’s you. A good top never loses control and stays vigilant to what’s going on instead of going into subspace and letting their partner be responsible. That sounds like you too!
I’m suggesting this in part because if you were (literally, in this case) “topping from the bottom” in the sense that you were indulging your partner by letting her perform specific tasks then many of her words and actions might tend to roll off her back rather than land hard on you.
You’re vigilant (not “overthinking”) so while you’re indulging her you could at least mentally be adding “good girl, look at you topping me” each time she tries something. Of course you don’t need to let her know.
The above would be a way for you to address her (occasional, right?) needs.
Now. Using our little thought experiement let’s look at your needs because “Dom’s needs” comes second on that list. It sounds like your partner may be topping you in ways that make her happy but leave you rattled. Does that sound right?
Turn it around and say “if I was topping her in ways I wanted that left her rattled for days, how would I change things up?” If she had real Dom tendencies she’s check in with you and make her own adjustments, really clarify your boundaries with you, and play inside those boundaries.
And if you were a real Dom (as I suspect) you’d probably not consider your own feelings, figuring you could adjust/accommodate to meet hers. (Though, really, Doms and Daddies have to have their own boundaries and limits as well, they’re usually unconscious since as the initiator you’re going to tend not to do things that push your boundaries.)
She may want to top you certain ways, but you need to be topped in ways that don’t leave you feeling let down and jumpy for days after. In the D/S stack your needs as the Dom comes higher than her wants.
Finally, you want to let her “top” you. Just not necessarily the way she wants to. In the D/S stack your wants come higher than hers. So…
Alright. All of the above was just a thought experiment. You may both really be switches. But looking at how things might go if you were an indulgent Dom you can see some steps you might take to protect yourself.
TBH it still sounds to me like you’re a top and she’s not, or she’s not a very good one. But even if that’s not the case, here’s a little tip:
The steps I outlined above are still pretty good things a switch or Sub can do to protect themselves and enjoy themselves as well with a less experienced or less responsible partner!
Best of luck to you and your partner. Feel free to share this with her and see what she thinks. I really do hope you can both to be able to enjoy yourselves no matter how you play. Let me know what you think.
Comments Off on hey there, i was hoping you could lend some advice about bottoming. we’re both switches, but i really prefer to top; during the moment, however, i can seem to be really into it. truth is, my mind is wired the entire time and i’m overthinking, even though i come. we do long sessions of after-care, but emotions like inferiority etc. can stay for days. frequently bottoming leaves me emotionally sensitive afterwards but i don’t wanna take that enjoyment away from her; i want it perfect for her :((
If you think you are “forcing” someone to submit, You are wrong. One may give in to your superior brute strength- but that is not submission.
Submission can not be forced. One only submits of their free will.
Some people just want a person to “give in”. But the brilliant ones know the difference. They know the value of the submission. They are willing to work for the trust, the passion, the utter commitment that a submissive has.
True submission is incredibly beautiful while giving in is incredibly sad. It’s also the difference in our D/s and abuse.
*disclaimer- this is of course- all my opinion.
Seriously, kids!
Look. I can’t say this clearly enough: an empowered Sub is a better Sub! More responsive. Able to go deeper. Able to give more. Sexier. More into it.
If you can’t have a “no” that’s respected you can’t afford to give a wholehearted, no-reservations, completely trusting yes. It’s as simple as that.
Reblog if you think that non-monogamous relationships are just as important as monogamous relationships
If they’re real relationships and you’re not cheating then sure! It’s equally true the other way around though — a point thats just as important to promote in kink.
Note: the best definition of cheating I’ve ever heard is changing the rules without telling the other players. That’s as true in checkers or business as it is in relationships.
Despite the stalkerish Twilight reference and weird possessiveness, it’s just the case that poly isn’t just something men do. Same with kink. To the extent that multiple partners are acceptable for Doms or Daddies it’s equally acceptable for Subs and Littles. Adults should be and get to be… well… adult about it.
The good news is that since kinksters are people, and since most people are monogamous, most kinksters are also monogamous. The other news is that not all people are monogamous and so not all kinksters are monogamous either.
If you’re not sure how you feel, or how your partner feels, talk to them. For that matter, if you’re not sure how you feel about your partner’s partners talk to your partners! As opposed to randomly texting your partner’s partners.
There’s a reason Traditional men call their girls “pet”.
Just like a pet, a submissive girl needs to know there are boundaries. Fences keep in pets and rules keep girls accountable.
Just like a pet, a submissive girl needs appreciation. She needs to hear “good girl” often to know she’s loved and valued.
Just like a pet, a submissive girl needs routine. You walk your dog at the same time every day, and your girl should have a chore list and a time limit in which to complete it.
We call girls pets because we treat them the same as we would treat a beloved pet – by imposing boundaries, showing appreciation, and enforcing routine.
And that’s exactly what both pets need to be happy and fulfilled.
-VIS
The difference being that “traditional men” actually fucking believe their adult, human partners are nothing more than domestic livestock!
The King James version of the 10 Commandments, which is literally as fucking “traditional” as Western Civilization gets, goes like this: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.”
In “tradition” women aren’t people, they’re a man’s things! Just like his ox or his ass or his servants or real estate.
Meanwhile every legitimate kinkster understands that their partners are independent, autonomous adult human agents of their own destiny. I say that categorically in the sense that anyone who fails to understand this isn’t a kinkster, they’re just loud vanilla.
So if I’m a kinkster I may call you “baby,” or “puppy,” or “teapot,” or use pedestal words like “princess,” or “angel” or even use judgment words like “good girl” or “naughty” to accentuate a shared erotic mood. But in kink those words have the same semantic weight as paper parasols in a fruit cocktail – decoration only, not the truth. The truth is we both know, and deeply care, that you’re your own grown-assed woman self.
D/S, D/Lg, and other power-exchange kinks are awesome because they’re voluntary agreements between equal, autonomous partners. We play it’s the tropes and language of “tradition” precisely because it’s transgressive and therefore we don’t really mean it.
Tradition doesn’t just mean it, they believe it and go to extraordinary lengths to force it down everyone else’s throats. So fuck “tradition” and the oxen and asses it rode up on.
By Thomas Oldenough | October 2, 2019 | Comments Off on Hi! So I’m 19 (and a Virgin). I have an older friend who is married. And I just learned that she and her husband are in an open relationship. My friend is about to go on a very long business trip… leaving her kind, attractive 46 year old husband all alone… any advice?
Interesting situation and an interesting question. I’m going to answer quickly because it sounds like your situation is coming up quickly.
Did your friend say she and her husband are in an open relationship or did her husband? Get clarification on this with your friend.
Did your friend suggest you connect with her husband or did her husband? Get clarification from this as well.
Or, I suppose, are you planning to connect with him on your own? If so (not to repeat myself) let your friend know and possibly ask if she’ll provide an “introduction” for you and/or permission for you to connect with her husband while she’s away.
You don’t have to say “hey, I’m thinking of connecting with your husband while you’re gone.” It’s ok to be more general and open-ended. But you do want to give her and/or them an opportunity to be transparent with each other – there are different rules for different open relationships. Some are don’t ask / don’t tell while others are “I want allll the steamy details.” That’s for them to work out but you need to make sure you’re not stepping into something that will blow up when she returns.
If the answer to any of these questions about their open relationship and your relationship with them isn’t clear then my advice is “don’t go there.”
You’ll notice I’ve said nothing about your relative ages or sexual experience levels. There are plenty of other questions and/or advice I could offer about that, and I’ll be happy to if you want to send a second ask. But those are almost irrelevant in the face of the bigger question of what’s their dynamic and how are you going to fit in it so that you don’t end up falling between them… and possibly falling out with your friend, her husband, or both.
Thank you for asking. And best of luck getting clarity on those first important questions.
Comments Off on Hi! So I’m 19 (and a Virgin). I have an older friend who is married. And I just learned that she and her husband are in an open relationship. My friend is about to go on a very long business trip… leaving her kind, attractive 46 year old husband all alone… any advice?
It’s like yeah I wanna be told what to do and held down and punished. I want to be your fucktoy and your property. Get collared and teased. But I also wanna be your cuddle buddy that you binge watch shows with and eat some junk food then fall asleep together. And when we wake up we just stare at each other knowing that we are so adorable and I can make you breakfast.
See? This is what real D/S and real kink in general is all about. A relationship where you also do kinky things. It’s not that you can’t be in your kink 24/7 – in that way it’s no different than surfers who schedule themselves around the tides or a skiers who opens their shop at 10:00 so they can always catch early morning runs in fresh powder. But even the most avid hobbyists also have a life with their partners!
Hard spankings or handcuffs, sure, but also breakfast together and yard-sales and “let’s clean up and binge the next season of Arrested Development.”
