As an obligate top this is awesome in so many ways! First, because it’s how most D/S really looks. Second because there’s no belittling terms for the woman Dom like “domme” or “dominatrix.” Third because there’s no stereotypical hint of “sissy” or “forced feminization” of her Sub. And finally, because “what [a Dom] values most is that with that freedom, of all the things [they] can do, [a Sub] chooses to kneel before them” is the most pure statement of Submission ever.
Because dominance and submission are kinks, not genders this post makes me very happy.
One of the huge mistakes people make about D/Lg is that being Little = pretending to be underage. Or that Daddies want their LIttles to act or (yuck! be) underage!
Instead D/Lg is about grown-ass adults a feeling of “coming home to Daddy.”
Not saying there’s anything wrong with Littles who “regress.” Not at all! Just saying that while Littles in polka dots and stickers everywhere might be more visible, most Littles are at least as likely to turn up in Daddy’s lap wearing classic heels and a little black dress.
“almost every woman i have ever met has a secret belief that she is just on the edge of madness, that there is some deep, crazy part within her, that she must be on guard constantly against ‘losing control’ — of her temper, of her appetite, of her sexuality, of her feelings, of her ambition, of her secret fantasies, of her mind”
— Elana Dykewomon “Notes for a Magazine"
Society’s trick is to raise everyone to believe half of humanity are some kind of cross between devils and angels, enforcers of propriety and objects of lust, to be “respected” or even “worshiped” on the one hand but also denied opportunities, respect, authority, and compensation for being “little ladies.”
Oh, also! You’re accused of being “hormonal” on a monthly basis by… men who wake up every morning with a frickin’ erection!
I promise, promise, promise it’s not you who’s on the edge of madness. Or if you are it’s because society’s set up to systematically and methodically drive you crazy.
By Thomas Oldenough | October 10, 2019 | Comments Off on Hi! it’s the 19 y/o again. I just started college, the guy i’m talking to is 34. I’ve only hung out with him twice bc of distance n lack of cars, but this last time was amazing. no one has ever made me feel like that sexually or even just in general. He won’t give me a clear answer as to what we are and i just really wanna be with him. I’m also scared i’ll fuck it up because i have an eating disorder and bad depression. I always feel like no one can handle me or love me..
Part 2: still the 19 year old.. but i just wanted to add that college has been a bit rough. My eating disorder has not been kind and i’ve gained a little weight and it’s really wrecking me. i think that he won’t like me anymore or that i’m not attractive. i just have so much going through my head … ahhhh.. thank you
Thanks for checking in!
First of all can I just say congratulations! I remember you from last time. I’m glad things are working out with your partner. And can I just say it sounds like they really are working out?
Let me say that again. You’ve known him online and gotten along. You’ve met him twice and the last time was amazing! Sounds like things are really working out!!!!
Good for you! Good for him. Lucky you! And lucky him too! Because you’re probably pretty wonderful. If you weren’t there wouldn’t have been a second time, would there?
Ok. So now a little tough love. It might not last! Sure. You might let your anxiety and your eating disorder mess things up. Or he could never give you a clear answer… or even have a clear answer! Or distance could become too much of an obstacle. Or he could fall for someone else. Or, let’s be real, you could fall for someone else!
Shit like that can happen to the best relationships.
But here’s the trick: the measure of a deep, meaningful, awesome, and fullfilling relationship is not how long it lasts.
There used to be this old guy on the radio who’d do a shoutout to people who’d been married 50, or 75, or 90 years! I think they do this on morning TV shows as well. But, question: do you think most of those couples were happy for all 50 or 75 or 90 years?
You can actually have a perfect relationship in 24 hours – with a beautiful beginning, middle, and ending. One you’ll never forget. Even if you’re never be able to recapture it, even if, as in the Before Sunrise trilogy of movies, you’re able to reconnect years later.
There was a dessert chain in my town years ago. Their motto was “life is uncertain, eat dessert first.” Ironically they owners eventually lot interest, the quality went down, and they went out of business. I still miss them from their early days, even though I never went towards the end of their run.
Relationships can be like that. Including yours. It might last forever. It might not last much longer at all. But! Here’s the trick. As with that dessert chain, always honor the person you met, not the person you broke up with!
Not everyone’s made for each other. Not every time is the right time for a relationship to work. Sometimes things go great but your lives take different paths.
That’s all ok! The only “should” or “shouldn’t” in any of that is if you make a breakup a judgment about you.
I get that you’re dealing with depression and an eating disorder. I get that you’re struggling in college and it could be that your eating disorder is part of the problem. I get that you and your sweetie live far apart. I get that he doesn’t seem ready to commit to something with you.
Gonna sound funny, but none of those have anything to do with whether you’ll work out. I won’t have anything to do with it working out. It won’t have anything to do with not working out.
Instead it’ll be something completely oddball and out of the blue. Because love and relationships are like that.
But if it works out it won’t be because you’re a celestial superstar – lots of perfectly mediocre, doughy, underachieving, mopey, unlucky people have awesome relationships that last a lifetime. But if it doesn’t work out it won’t be because you’re mediocre, doughy, mopey, underachieving, or mopey. Because lots of stellar, super-fit, high-achieving, upbeat people can’t find love in a sleeping bag with a flashlight.
It won’t be you. It won’t even be him!
So….
That’s all my way of addressing your fears. They’re real fears and I want to acknowledge them. But! They’re not true fears! If that makes sense. You’re worried because you feel great and you don’t want this awesome feeling to end. And so you’re kind of making shit up because that’s what us human beings do – we can’t help ourselves! And you’re a wonderful human being, and because you’re a human being you can’t help yourself any more than the rest of us can.
One last thing: I hate, hate, hate pulling the age card. (I almost always have my tongue in my cheek when I say “older, experienced” in my caption.) But in this case I’m going to say it anyway.
Be happy with this relationship and don’t worry about it ending or falling apart. Really! The biggest fear I’ve noticed in myself and in others is “I’ll never love again.” Or maybe “I’ll never love like this again.” But really, you will! You’ll love this guy and if you do you’ll find you love him more and more. Or when this one ends, and you think the world’s going to fall apart and your life is over, you’ll meet someone else. And discover it gets better!
Even for depressed people. Even for people with eating disorders. Even people in college. Even people with older partners. Even people with partners far away. And even when your last relationship included moments that no one else had ever made you feel like either sexually or in general.
Here’s the trick with that: you were able to feel that!!! Yes, you felt it with him, but you felt that!
Someone once told me they realized every one of their exes had only one thing in common: them. And they said once they realized that they were able to find a partner that they’ve been with ever since. Not because the other person was wonderful, and definitely not because that person “finally completed them.” But because they realized they didn’t need someone else to “complete them.”
So they stopped looking for something in everyone else.
You said way up at the top that you’re worried you’re going to “fuck it up.” Eh. Maybe so! But I’m going to say I bet you won’t! That makes two equally unfounded opinions. Choose which one you like better, though!
Why am I going on and on with personal histories and stories about movies, and unfounded opinions, and blah, blah, blah? Easy!
I’m doing it because I want you to feel confident and encouraged, and not to worry that you might fall because if you do you’ll know you can get back up again.
Because if you’re not afraid of failing – at love, life, or poker – your chance of success goes through the roof.
Finally, yeah, he might not be willing to say “what you are” yet. To be honest it’s kind of early days. It’s possible he’s worried you’re too good to be true and worried that he’ll fuck it up, just like you are! That’s what I mean by it might not be you!
Be as generous to yourself as you want to be to your new sweetie. Even if you aren’t “made for each other” you’re still probably both pretty awesome human beings.
Comments Off on Hi! it’s the 19 y/o again. I just started college, the guy i’m talking to is 34. I’ve only hung out with him twice bc of distance n lack of cars, but this last time was amazing. no one has ever made me feel like that sexually or even just in general. He won’t give me a clear answer as to what we are and i just really wanna be with him. I’m also scared i’ll fuck it up because i have an eating disorder and bad depression. I always feel like no one can handle me or love me..
By Thomas Oldenough | October 9, 2019 | Comments Off on Hello! I saw some of your asks I read about the “starting it” one and you gave such a good answer. My bf wants to have more sex than we have now. I hate my body (I’m 5’6 with ~128 pounds). I’m trying to lose weight with sport, skipping meals etc. And he tries to feed me like “we gotta put some meat on you”. He’s looking out for me but my boobs won’t grow from that (-.-). I don’t want to sleep with him if I can’t look into the mirror without crying and hating myself..
First of all thank you so much for checking in. It sounds like your boyfriend would like to have sex more often than you. And it sounds like you don’t feel good about it because you’re anxious about your figure. As opposed to just not wanting to have sex. Like… maybe you’d enjoy having more sex if you had a different body? Does that sound right?
I think that last question is the most important one. Because sometimes trying to wrestle with a million conflicting feelings about sex, wanting sex, feeling pressured or expected to have sex, and especially feeling obliged to have sex even when you want to… can make it hard to say no. And that, in turn, can come out in other ways. In particular, when we feel powerless (not the kinky exchange of power but literally powerless) we can go kind of sideways and say “I’m not worthy of having sex” or “I don’t deserve to have sex” or even “I’m not pretty enough to have sex.”
So I’ll ask that question again. You mentioned that “my boobs won’t grow from that” and “I don’t want to sleep with him if I can’t look in the mirror.” Do you really mean you’d love to have sex with him if your breasts grew or if you loved how you looked in the mirror?
It’s an important question because, for most people, the answer is still pretty much no.
So just as a thought experiment, not because it’s the truth and definitely not because it’s an accusation or judgment, ask yourself how you’d answer if you felt you had the power to say a clear, honest yes or no and have it respected. (Not just from your boyfriend but from all the potential partners, well-meaning relatives, and random creeps in your life.)
Because without the power of a resounding no it’s hella hard to give an enthusiastic yes. And, here’s the trick from the old, old book Fat is a Feminist Issue, for a hell of a lot of women, empowerment melts self-consciousness.
—
I’d like to talk for just a moment about how you say you “hate your body.” It’s exactly not helpful at all for me to say that if that’s you in your blog avatar you’re a perfectly attractive young woman, because *my* opinion isn’t what’s important, right? And so me going “what are you talking about, you’re *beautiful* doesn’t answer the point that no, you don’t *feel* beautiful.
You mention you’re 5′6″ and 128 pounds and trying to lose weight through exercise and restricting. We all know the infamous BMI charts are almost bullshit, but using those numbers you’re at the low end of “normal weight” for someone your height. Just a point or two off of “underweight!” Which might explain why your boyfriend (unhelpfully!) keeps trying to get you to eat.
I say “unhelpfully” because there’s a non-zero (possibly pretty high) chance that your boyfriend doesn’t understand how you could not like your body. Unless he’s very immature it’s likely he thinks you’re beautiful too. I mention this because it’s hard to be sympathetic with someone who doesn’t feel they’re the *right* kind of beautiful… *their* kind.
I want to acknowledge that you feel how you feel. That you wish your body was a different way. I want to acknowledge how hard that is for you – especially if you can’t get anyone to agree.
Goodness knows I feel that! I don’t *want* to be tall and thin like a basketball player, I want to be medium height like a baseball player. Like. It bothers me to be naked around my partners because it’s so bad. (This may sound silly to you, but that’s my point!)
So I’ll say the trick for me has been to take it on faith that when someone else says I’m attractive they’re telling the truth. Faith is what you need when you simply can’t believe something yourself. It’s not religious faith, I don’t mean that. I just mean "I’m going to go along with your wrong-headed idea that I’m attractive to you because *goodness* it’s nice how you seem crazy about me.”
In fact, that’s a sort of awesome way to think about it. From our point of view our lovers are *literally* crazy about us! 😂
But I promise that if you can find a way to just “go along with the joke” it’ll have a surprising effect on you too. That feeling will never go away (unfortunately) but the longer you play along the less impact it’ll have on you.
Anyway, that’s sort of two not-very-helpful, dad’splaining answers for one Ask: do you feel able to say yes or no to sex and have it stick; are you able to “go along with the joke” when everyone around you says you’re attractive even when your self-image doesn’t see it.
Hope either one of those makes sense. Best of luck! And thanks again for checking in.
Comments Off on Hello! I saw some of your asks I read about the “starting it” one and you gave such a good answer. My bf wants to have more sex than we have now. I hate my body (I’m 5’6 with ~128 pounds). I’m trying to lose weight with sport, skipping meals etc. And he tries to feed me like “we gotta put some meat on you”. He’s looking out for me but my boobs won’t grow from that (-.-). I don’t want to sleep with him if I can’t look into the mirror without crying and hating myself..
Shoutout to all the men and women who aren’t into choking and spanking and degrading etc – don’t let tumblr make you think there’s something wrong with you for not enjoying that sort of thing.
Big hats off to @carpe-noctvm. Yes. Absolutely!
50 Shades of Grey has sold 125 million copies, which sounds like a lot, right? Despite being translated into the 52 most-common languages, with 7.5 billion people in the world that’s still only one out of 60 people.
Yeah, yeah, 50 Shades readers is a pretty sloppy proxy for the number of kinksters in the world. But it’s still safe to say that only about one in 50 people are into “choking and spanking and degrading, etc.”
So you’re not into choking, spanking, degrading, etc? You’re not alone. You’re not weird. You’re not unhip. You’re totally cool.
Note: despite having been almost completely appropriated by gaslighters and abusers (cough 50 Shades of Grey!) the original principle of “sex positivity” was that we don’t judge or shame anybody’s sexuality as long as it’s freely and competently consensual. That means only “sex-negative” assholes shame vanilla people for being vanilla.
Final note: Even if you are kinky, don’t let Tumblr-style representations make you think there’s something wrong with the way you do it!
No, wait! Final final note: never forget that most “peer pressure” comes from internal judgment of what we think “everyone else” is doing and, especially, internal beliefs of what “others might think.” That’s as true for sex as it is for anything else “everyone else does.”
By Thomas Oldenough | October 5, 2019 | Comments Off on About that “number” thing…
Interesting tidbit about the social impact on gender and partner counts that I can no longer find the source for
When asked to estimate the number of sex partners they have women tend to divide their “number” by two
Men tend to multiply by two instead
As long as we still have social narratives about “sluts” and “studs,” don’t tell me women or men no longer “need feminism.”
Note: If you average only one partner a year then by age 60 your “number” will be roughly 40.
Note: Most people don’t think of one partner a year as particularly “slutty” or “studly.”
Note: Given that most marriages last on the order of five years, and that people will average roughly five partners before, after, or between marriages, a lifetime “number” of 40 partners still shouldn’t seem that scandalous.
Asking someone how many partners they ‘ve had or, especially asking a woman “how many cocks have you ‘taken,’” is both dumb and rude.
Judging someone based on how many partners they’ve had is just ridiculous.
Consider the following hypothetical conversation
“How many times have you played tennis?” “None, sir.” “Good, then I really want to play tennis with you”
What kinds of predictions can you make about someone who’s excited to play tennis against inexperienced players?
Let’s try another hypothetical conversation
“How many people have you played tennis with?” “40, none of whom had any experience”
Now consider a less hypothetical conversation that begins with
“How many sex partners have you had?”
Do you think a numerical answer will be a useful basis for anything other than judgment?
So. As an old hippie I’m actually pretty sanguine about other people’s bathing habits. And while everyone has “morning breath” in the morning, it’s typically worse for us than it is for our partners.
But!!!!
There’s a mile of difference between “don’t wash your hair on my account, pumpkin” and “I won’t brush my teeth on your account!!!”
OMFG!!!
The other day someone mentioned they appreciate older men because we’re more likely to bother showering or at least washing below the belt before asking a date for a blowjob. Because, they said, younger men are either too clueless or too entitled to bother.
There’s a weird “snowflake” characteristic in misogyny/incel culture where it’s felt women should love men “as they are,” no matter how outwardly unkempt, unhygienic, impolite, inconsiderate, or out of shape.
These are usually the same kind of guys, incidentally, who’ll totally lose their lunches if a woman has an ounce of excess body fat, any evidencce of genital arousal, a single hint of stubble, or anything less than perfect nails or makeup.
They’re often eager to “face fuck” their partners “like the whore they are” but… don’t like to be “told to do stuff.” Like brush their fucking teeth!?!?!?
Last little bit of a clue: they don’t say “fuck you, you’ll smell my breath and like it.” Instead they passive/aggressive out and say shit like “find someone you think is better than me!” WTF, champ, self-esteem much?!?!?
And yeah, I’m making a HUGE assumption that the reluctant texter was a guy – there certainly are women who don’t attend to their personal hygiene as well. But I’ll give you a nickel if the respondent wasn’t a guy.
Look. Dudes! Trust me on this! It’s not the case that women only want “alpha” males. It’s not the case that they don’t want “beta” males! “Hypergamy” is substantial bullshit, and the tiny sliver of it that isn’t is badly misunderstood. Even though it’s, like, incel bible verses.
You don’t have to be ripped, or rich, or have an awesome car, or a job to be attractive to surprising numbers of women. But, dudes, you gotta brush your teeth! Maybe change your shirt. Definitely shower. Absolutely wipe your butt!!!
Pro tip from an older, experienced gentleman: half a jug of Axe Body isn’t better than a two minute shower and a little soap.
If you believe that “hypergamy” bullshit then you’re just going to run yourself into the dirt till you make yourself actually, literally unattractive, undesirable, and possibly unlovable. But that’s not on women, that’s on you!
Learn to accept what you can’t control, as the old parable goes. But get a goddamn handle on what you can control. Trust me. This works better than some of you evidently could believe.
Submission is it’s own, independent kink and therefore Submissives actively seek what they want. What outsiders don’t get about bottoms in kink is that what they want may or may not be more deep or intense than what their tops want.
For better or worse (mostly worse) our notions of D/S, D/Lg, S&M, and other power-exchange kinks in BDSM are bound up with our notions about traditional/historical gender: men are ravening horndogs, women are demure, innocent angels. Men are violent and prone to abuse, women are dependent and often victimized.
It’s so baked into the dominant paradigm that we automatically assign things women do to facilitate their sexuality (things like kneeling, raising their bottoms when face down, parting their legs, enjoying ass impact, receiving penetration) with cultural gestures of subordination, subjugation, and degradation.
(Aside: next time someone tells you we don’t need feminism or LGBT activism ask yourself why “cocksucker” is still commonly hurled and received as a “fighting words” insult. But I digress…)
While kink is certainly subject to its own gender problems (in the 21st Century why the fuck does anyone use “Domme” or, bleah, “dominatrix” for Doms that happen to be women?) it’s just not the case that Dominance or Submission kinks are intrinsically gendered. Nor is it the case that all Dominants are all-knowing and all demanding and that Submission is a passive kink or that Submissives have no interests or agenda of their own.
I was already a top when I was too young to understand what sex was. When I say I’m not a capital-D Dom, or a non-Dom Daddy I don’t mean I’m not physically dominant during sex. (Heh, no.) I can be a very enthusiastic Sadist with a partner who’s a cheerful Masochist. I don’t happen to have that common urge to push people’s boundaries or limits – never thought “oh boy, I bet my partner would really hate it if I tried doing XYZ, so I want to do XYZ to them.”
But!
But as a result I’ve had a number of Submissive, Little, and Masochistic partners hint or outright ask for more. And oh boy is that an awesome feeling!
But I’ve also had quite a few partners who’s pushed for more than I’m comfortable with. At least initially. And some who’ve asked for or even demanded things that are simply hard limits for me.
Early on, when I was still thoroughly indoctrinated to the notion that Doms initiate and Subs merely receive, I pushed myself past my hard limits. Or struggled to get ahead of my submissive or masochistic partner’s ardent desire for humiliation, pain, or exhibitionism. It simply didn’t occur to me that I was automatically in charge by virtue of my sex (male) or role (Dominant/Daddy/Sadist) and so it never occurred to me that I could say no!
Fortunately that rarely happens, and even better, once I got over the stupid conceit that as a top, and as a man, my needs and kinks always exceeded those of my women partners in kink, I’ve been able to respect and accommodate not only my partner’s limits and boundaries but my own.
But also consequently I’m no longer surprised to find a partner waiting for me, already soaking wet, on her knees with a belt in her mouth. Did I expect it? No. Did I initiate it? No, Submission is its own kink and so it’s not surprising when Submissives initiate. Do I know what to do? Oh yeah, Daddy knows exactly what to do with a naughty puppy with a belt in her mouth, doesn’t he, cinnamonstick?
