By Thomas Oldenough | December 1, 2019 | Comments Off on How do you feel about the idea that a person’s value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on that person? Do you think it is possible that they are so busy you wouldn’t hear from them for days at a time but it has nothing to do with how they feel about you?
Sorry I couldn’t answer this earlier. This is a very important question!
The short answer is no, no matter how busy, depressed, or under the weather, a partner should always find a way to check in.
That said… I’m actually really fucking terrible at this! I think a lot of hard-core introverts are. You’d think that since I’m physically very affectionate – not just sexually, hugs, and kisses but also cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, shoulder leaning, nose booping, etc. – that I’d also be super communicative.
One that last one hits ao many of my shy, “don’t want to bother you,” “can’t talk right now” introvert reflexes, the others really don’t!
This is not an excuse. But it’s a good reminder that, as roughly blocked out by the “Five Love Languages” theory, that different people can have very different but equally heartfelt ways of expressing love, care, and concern for each other. And, more importantly, different people can have very different ways of receiving expressions of love, care, and concern.
The canonical “love languages” are listed as Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. In my opinion that’s a good first approximation but practice it’s not inclusive and there are overlaps so it’s a mix and match system, not an exact one. And the really important part isn’t that someone has one language or another but that you and they may not have the same language.
To answer your actual question, if their “love language” is Quality Time then yes, absolutely, your value to them is directly proportional to the time they spend with you and the effort they take to spend that time with you. But if that’s not how they express then you can both be head-over-heels, heart-achingly important to each other and… still both of you feeling there’s something wrong.
For instance if, instead, their “love language” is something like gifts or doing things for you, you might be sitting there fuming like a chimney because they were busy wasting days in their workshop or kitchen lovingly crafting something (acts of service) for you (gifts) when they could have been there (quality time) with you (physical touch.) And then they’re sitting there hurt that you hug them (physical touch) when you see them but never say (words of affirmation) how much you appreciated the watch or necklace they saved and saved to get you (gifts.)
That all might seem like a long way of excusing awful tendency to leave people on read… but more than once I’ve literally (not figuratively, literally!) traveled all day just to give someone a hug (physical touch) or sit with them all night when they’re ill (quality time, acts of service.)
Your mileage, and theirs, in other words, may vary considerably. Don’t ever be a doormat but do spend a little time trying to figure out if they’re trying to say “I love you” some other way.
It’s an important question, thank you for asking. And best of luck!
Comments Off on How do you feel about the idea that a person’s value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on that person? Do you think it is possible that they are so busy you wouldn’t hear from them for days at a time but it has nothing to do with how they feel about you?
See also the aptly named The Big List of Unusual Punishments by KristanX at Lascivity.co.uk – there’s quite a list, going from ass/anal punishments to stress positions.
But finally, folks also need to check out You’ve Been a Bad Submissive: Learn How to Atone and Forgive Yourself, also by lunaKM. In addition to acknowledging that sometimes one needs to ask for more punishment if one doesn’t feel one has atoned, there’s also a lovely, humane section about forgiving yourself!
“You are Human: Lastly, and probably the hardest for submissives to accept is that there will always be mistakes. You are still human and no matter how perfect your life is, sometimes things will get out of hand, you’ll forget yourself or something else will catapult you into a moment of disobedience. Remember also, that your Dominant knows you are human and that there will be times of correction. That’s why after punishment you are forgiven. He or she has already moved on. They hope that you will too.”
I’m sorry I can’t give a better answer but I hope some of those links help. It’s a good question and I hope you find the right answer for you!
By Thomas Oldenough | December 1, 2019 | Comments Off on I have a question I kind of feel silly asking… 🙈 But what is cock-warming? I’ve seen it mentioned more and more in blog posts.
What a fun question! Thanks for asking! Cockwarming (or cock-warming, or cock warming) is essentially intercourse with a penis without moving. There are sometimes D/S or exhibitionist overtones but it can also be 100% vanilla.
For instance, in vanilla terms it can just be “spooning plus” where two people cuddle or fall asleep while connected.
As exhibitionism or risk-taking it can be surreptitiously sitting on a man’s cock at a party, an event, or, say, at the beach.
As D/S it can be a form of service, discipline, or denial where one or both of you perform unrelated activities after penetration, with various rewards or consequences for losing control and starting to move and/or losing arousal.
That bit about losing arousal is actually pretty realistic. While we hear about perfectly motionless intercourse lasting for hours in, say, stories about “tantric” sex, most people need at least a little bit of ongoing stimulation to stay hard or wet. The good news is that it’s often the thought that counts.
Finally, hmmm… as I usually do I did a couple of quick searches to see if there was anything I was missing and the answer was yes! Unfortunately, Google’s Ngram service only goes through 2008 and records no hits in the last 200 years, so it’s a pretty new term. The first use I could find on Google was from Etsy, which offered novelty knitted or crocheted penis cozies sometime after 2012. According to Google it first showed up with its current meaning on the Urban Dictionary in early 2014. (Yes, I am such a nerd!)
But!!! One reason it might have noticed seeing it more often might be because the term seems to have been picked up recently in Korean k-pop lyrics and fan-fic. There are a ton of references and/or images of k-pop stars associated with the use of the term.
So there you go! Totally nerdy Daddy-splaining answer that was fun to research. Thanks so much for asking!
But p.s. It’s also awfully fun to do… and while it might be super hard to stay completely still it’s awfully fun to cheat, whether it’s with slow, sleepy wriggles while spooning, or mischevious grinding squeezes and shifting while lap sitting. A perfect way to start or end a sleepy, lazy Sunday morning, hmm?
By Thomas Oldenough | December 1, 2019 | Comments Off on my boyfriend and i were facetiming and i said something like “can’t wear that bc i have man shoulders” n he goes “yea u do hv some man shoulders” and i was like haha thank u! for shitting on my already terrible self-esteem. when all i’ve been doing is relapsing in my eating disorder and body checking constantly and all i can think about is how much i eat. and all i wanna do now is be petty and ignore him. like that just pisses me off. yea it may be true but if you know i hate myself that much???
I want to be hyper careful about answering because ED is serious, ok? Like. If you’re worried you’re falling then stop long enough to check in with your caregiver or sponsor or support people.
Triggering is so tough sometimes. I say this because if someone said “I have man shoulders” I’d probably also say “you do,” but I’d mean it as a total complement! For a lot of guys, me included, nice shoulders on a woman are hot!
Unless “man shoulders” is some kind of fashion or ED euphemism I’m not familiar with. That your boyfriend might not be familiar with either. (If he does, and if he knows you’ve been struggling lately, then it wasn’t very responsible of him.)
But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Triggering happens in the midbrain, at a level before the “rational” coreyex kicks in. So I really want to acknowledge that he said something and you feel really hurt and angry and, especially, not supported. I’m sorry and he probably is too.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, ok? But please do things that really take care of yourself.
Comments Off on my boyfriend and i were facetiming and i said something like “can’t wear that bc i have man shoulders” n he goes “yea u do hv some man shoulders” and i was like haha thank u! for shitting on my already terrible self-esteem. when all i’ve been doing is relapsing in my eating disorder and body checking constantly and all i can think about is how much i eat. and all i wanna do now is be petty and ignore him. like that just pisses me off. yea it may be true but if you know i hate myself that much???
u ever get jealous over something u have no right to be jealous over so u just sit there like… ok
Ahahaha! Oh boy, does anybody not?
It’s the best worst feeling in the world?
Even poly people get jealous when they know they don’t need to be. It’s one of the ways feelings give zero fucks about thoughts! So we sit there going “this is sooo dumb…” while eating our livers till our shoes don’t fit on our feet!
The good news is that if we can’t prevent feelings like jealousy we can’t reason with them like grownups but we can acknowledge them then distract them like little kids.
Instead of telling ourselves we shouldn’t feel jealous (Ahahah, like that ever works!) we can say “yes, I feel really bad that my bestie has a new sweetie and won’t come over. If they did i could give them a big hug and we could play that game we talked about so much. But they do have a new sweetie, don’t they? So we’ll have to with a little and they’ll come play that game with us. So let’s call [Pat] and see if they want to do something.”
Acknowledge, sympathize, speak to the loss, accept it, *then* try moving on to plan B. Feelings won’t really go away till you admit and accept them.
Note: sometimes you’ll have to rinse and repeat. But it gets better each time.
By Thomas Oldenough | December 1, 2019 | Comments Off on how come no one wants to be my daddy? Will you be my daddy?
Sometimes it can seem like nobody wants us, can’t it? And sometimes we can blame it on our particular kinks or orientations, professions or income, health or heritage, age or experiences.
It’s hard enough for vanilla people to find a perfect match, even though most other people are vanilla too. There are just so many conditions that affect compatibility, aren’t there? And so it’s even harder when on top of basic compatibility you need to find someone whose kink is compatible with yours as well.
But sooner or later we all find someone. Like most people though you’ll likely find the Daddy you’ve been looking for. Most likely when you least expect it.
One or the reasons I love being a D/Lg Daddy is because nobody ever says “isn’t that a little too vanilla?” Daddies love taking care of their Littles, not just spanking them.
Nope. Real men never use the phrase “real men.” It’s like how smart people don’t have to say they’re smart.
AHAHAHAH!!!! “Real” men! AHAHAHAH!!!!
Yeah, “real man” = “slavishly cut away all the parts other ‘real men’ cut away.”
My favorite story about masculinity, from an old pre-toxic-masculinity (and also pre-animal-rights) men’s author.
So a Spanish matador had had a spectacular victory in the bull ring. Afterwards all his friends and fellow matadors joined him at his place for a night of drinking and dining.
After the dinner the great matador put on an apron and started washing dishes. “Oh Matador, his friend said, do you think washing dishes is masculine?”
The great matador threw up his hands and roared “EVERYTHING I do is masculine!”
And you want to know something? Goddamn right!
If you’re a man, however you choose to define “man,” then by definition everything you do is “masculine.”
The whole “real man” business is strictly about anxiety, conformity, timidity, insecurity.
Whether you wrestle women and fuck bears or skip to work carrying a purse, if you’re a man you’re a real man, period, full stop.
Me? I know where your clitoris is. I care if you’re a PhD or CEO because good for you! Fun, flirtatious, fit, and friendly? Great! Everybody should be those things, not just women. And… wait a second… “chaste?” What does that have to do with anything?!?!? Because, yeah, “real men” don’t want you to want to have sex with us either, I guess… which I suppose makes them either gay men, asexual men, or incels – all of which are, you know, still men.
Fucking gender is such an idiotic social construct!
Yeah, Tinder hookups and 6:00 AM “walks of shame” are all well and good (well, except for the shame part!) But till you’ve spent the morning making and drinking coffee together while getting to know each other a little better? That’s paradise!
Doesn’t matter if it’s a random hookup, a casual fling, and old flame, or your life companion of many years, there’s always something new to learn about each other over coffee.
As for that “walk of shame?” Seriously. What’s to be ashamed of? You got drunk and rubbed your pee-pees together? Big deal! That makes you different from roughly 4/5th of the rest of humanity exactly how?
But sharing coffee together this morning? Or just tea or orange juice, or just cuddles this morning? That right there is paradise.
