I like a big one every once and a while too. But I’ve had plenty of amazing sex with the average sized male. I mean honestly I’m more about girth. There’s only so much of that length you’re gonna be able to use when your gurl is 5 feet tall.
This makes me very happy! Guys get so frickin’ anxious about dick size and maybe nine out of ten women honestly don’t care!
It’s not that “all dicks are awesome” or, conversely, “all dicks are gross.” It’s that what seems to matter is that they’re dicks, not that they’re giant dicks.
Now I should be clear when I say “dick size doesn’t matter.” It does! To other men!!! Don’t know why other men’s dick sizes matter so much to men, especially straight men. But they do!
Another funny thing about dick size! In Bonk, Mary Roach’s book about the anthropology of sex, she interviewed a surgeon who performed penis enlargements. The funny thing, he said, is that most of his customers are already larger than average, and sometimes much larger. In other words being large doesn’t seem to relieve our anxiety about dick size.
it’s sort of the same way so many women seem to think men care only about breast size when really it seems more like women care about other women’s breast sizes. Men, meanwhile, don’t seem to care as much.
Also, yeah, yeah, there are “size queen” women and “heavy hanger” men or whatever. But no one should mistake fetishes for mainstream preferences. The stereotypes about body-part size preferences are just that – stereotypes. And you know how useless stereotypes are.
By Thomas Oldenough|
December 2, 2019 |Comments Off on Why does BDSM have to involve pushing the s-type’s boundaries so often? Can it be valid D/s if nobody’s boundaries are being pushed? I’m not interested in pushing the boundaries of others but I’m definitely not vanilla/egalitarian. I limit my dominance/sadism to people who can ignore it at least, enthusiastically like it at most, whose boundaries aren’t anywhere near anything I’d do. Is this not a way to be a d-type?
BDSM doesn’t *have* to involve pushing boundaries, at least not in the sense that it seems like you are thinking. I think a lot of people misunderstand what people are saying when they talk about pushing them, and that’s really on those of us who write about kink because we don’t always explain ourselves well.
In my experience, there are two different types of boundaries- there are those that someone doesn’t want pushed, and those that they do. It’s basically similar to the concept of soft limits vs hard limits. A soft limit should be approached with care and only after discussion, whereas a hard limit should never be approached at all.
With boundaries, there are going to be times when someone genuinely wants those pushed, and that’s when it comes into play. Maybe they feel like they don’t tolerate pain well but are super interested in seeing how far they can take it, for example. Or maybe they are trying to overcome an aversion to toys. It could be any number of things depending on the person. Those cases are the ones wherein the d-type should be pushing boundaries, but of course just as with a soft-limit, there needs to be discussion beforehand and the situation needs to be approached with an abundance of care.
But again, that’s only when the s-type genuinely wants to test those boundaries. There is *nothing* that says we (as d-types) should be pushing every boundary. Frankly, if a partner tells me they arent comfortable with something and doesn’t express a desire to get comfortable with it, I treat it like a hard limit until they tell me otherwise. There is a big difference between “I’m not great with pain but it’s something I really want to work on” and “I don’t enjoy pain”, you know? And while it certainly merits discussion if someone’s boundaries/limits are your “must haves”, one of the cardinal sins a d-type can commit is to try and persuade someone into doing something they don’t want to do.
Also worth mentioning: d-types have limits and boundaries too, and if one of your boundaries is that you don’t want to push anyone else’s boundaries, that’s absolutely valid! You’re not doing it “wrong” because there isn’t one objectively “right” way to do this. I have plenty of limits and boundaries for myself and every other d-type I know does too.
The bottom line is you’re absolutely well within your rights to not want to push someone’s boundaries! Just make sure that whoever you play with understands that so that you can both be on the same page, because some people are genuinely looking to have at least some of their boundaries pushed.
Thank you for writing in! Best of luck on your path!
-LMS
So nicely said! It’s pretty important to recognize the difference between D/S or S&M kinks and, you know, psychopathology and dissociation. Or abuse and codependence.
Not saying Captain Marvel is a Little, or that she’s gay, bi, or straight, or pan or ace, or that shed be dominant or submissive or plain old vanilla with a partner. Just saying this is an awesome reminder that every stereotype is a lie.
I’m a Daddy, puppy, not a vampire. But even if I don’t sparkle when I do it, I’ll still kiss and nibble your sweet little neck – in broad daylight just as boldly as I’ll do it after midnight.
By Thomas Oldenough|
December 1, 2019 |Comments Off on How do you feel about the idea that a person’s value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on that person? Do you think it is possible that they are so busy you wouldn’t hear from them for days at a time but it has nothing to do with how they feel about you?
Sorry I couldn’t answer this earlier. This is a very important question!
The short answer is no, no matter how busy, depressed, or under the weather, a partner should always find a way to check in.
That said… I’m actually really fucking terrible at this! I think a lot of hard-core introverts are. You’d think that since I’m physically very affectionate – not just sexually, hugs, and kisses but also cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, shoulder leaning, nose booping, etc. – that I’d also be super communicative.
One that last one hits ao many of my shy, “don’t want to bother you,” “can’t talk right now” introvert reflexes, the others really don’t!
This is not an excuse. But it’s a good reminder that, as roughly blocked out by the “Five Love Languages” theory, that different people can have very different but equally heartfelt ways of expressing love, care, and concern for each other. And, more importantly, different people can have very different ways of receiving expressions of love, care, and concern.
The canonical “love languages” are listed as Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. In my opinion that’s a good first approximation but practice it’s not inclusive and there are overlaps so it’s a mix and match system, not an exact one. And the really important part isn’t that someone has one language or another but that you and they may not have the same language.
To answer your actual question, if their “love language” is Quality Time then yes, absolutely, your value to them is directly proportional to the time they spend with you and the effort they take to spend that time with you. But if that’s not how they express then you can both be head-over-heels, heart-achingly important to each other and… still both of you feeling there’s something wrong.
For instance if, instead, their “love language” is something like gifts or doing things for you, you might be sitting there fuming like a chimney because they were busy wasting days in their workshop or kitchen lovingly crafting something (acts of service) for you (gifts) when they could have been there (quality time) with you (physical touch.) And then they’re sitting there hurt that you hug them (physical touch) when you see them but never say (words of affirmation) how much you appreciated the watch or necklace they saved and saved to get you (gifts.)
That all might seem like a long way of excusing awful tendency to leave people on read… but more than once I’ve literally (not figuratively, literally!) traveled all day just to give someone a hug (physical touch) or sit with them all night when they’re ill (quality time, acts of service.)
Your mileage, and theirs, in other words, may vary considerably. Don’t ever be a doormat but do spend a little time trying to figure out if they’re trying to say “I love you” some other way.
It’s an important question, thank you for asking. And best of luck!
See also the aptly named The Big List of Unusual Punishments by KristanX at Lascivity.co.uk – there’s quite a list, going from ass/anal punishments to stress positions.
But finally, folks also need to check out You’ve Been a Bad Submissive: Learn How to Atone and Forgive Yourself, also by lunaKM. In addition to acknowledging that sometimes one needs to ask for more punishment if one doesn’t feel one has atoned, there’s also a lovely, humane section about forgiving yourself!
“You are Human: Lastly, and probably the hardest for submissives to accept is that there will always be mistakes. You are still human and no matter how perfect your life is, sometimes things will get out of hand, you’ll forget yourself or something else will catapult you into a moment of disobedience. Remember also, that your Dominant knows you are human and that there will be times of correction. That’s why after punishment you are forgiven. He or she has already moved on. They hope that you will too.”
I’m sorry I can’t give a better answer but I hope some of those links help. It’s a good question and I hope you find the right answer for you!
By Thomas Oldenough|
December 1, 2019 |Comments Off on I have a question I kind of feel silly asking… 🙈 But what is cock-warming? I’ve seen it mentioned more and more in blog posts.
What a fun question! Thanks for asking! Cockwarming (or cock-warming, or cock warming) is essentially intercourse with a penis without moving. There are sometimes D/S or exhibitionist overtones but it can also be 100% vanilla.
For instance, in vanilla terms it can just be “spooning plus” where two people cuddle or fall asleep while connected.
As exhibitionism or risk-taking it can be surreptitiously sitting on a man’s cock at a party, an event, or, say, at the beach.
As D/S it can be a form of service, discipline, or denial where one or both of you perform unrelated activities after penetration, with various rewards or consequences for losing control and starting to move and/or losing arousal.
That bit about losing arousal is actually pretty realistic. While we hear about perfectly motionless intercourse lasting for hours in, say, stories about “tantric” sex, most people need at least a little bit of ongoing stimulation to stay hard or wet. The good news is that it’s often the thought that counts.
Finally, hmmm… as I usually do I did a couple of quick searches to see if there was anything I was missing and the answer was yes! Unfortunately, Google’s Ngram service only goes through 2008 and records no hits in the last 200 years, so it’s a pretty new term. The first use I could find on Google was from Etsy, which offered novelty knitted or crocheted penis cozies sometime after 2012. According to Google it first showed up with its current meaning on the Urban Dictionary in early 2014. (Yes, I am such a nerd!)
But!!! One reason it might have noticed seeing it more often might be because the term seems to have been picked up recently in Korean k-pop lyrics and fan-fic. There are a ton of references and/or images of k-pop stars associated with the use of the term.
So there you go! Totally nerdy Daddy-splaining answer that was fun to research. Thanks so much for asking!
But p.s. It’s also awfully fun to do… and while it might be super hard to stay completely still it’s awfully fun to cheat, whether it’s with slow, sleepy wriggles while spooning, or mischevious grinding squeezes and shifting while lap sitting. A perfect way to start or end a sleepy, lazy Sunday morning, hmm?
