Posts Tagged ‘be a Dom not a dick’
Notice how carefully and almost gently he’s spanking her? Also notice how he’s already warmed her up? Surprised? Please don’t be. That’s the way you do it!
Folks who don’t understand kink imagine spanking is always aggressive, punitive, and hard as possible – you know, the way angry parents, teachers, and frat boys do it.
But really, while yes you’ll find capital-M Masochists who genuinely thrive on serious pain, for almost everyone else the key isn’t how hard you’re spanked but how well.
I mean, look. It’s like pretty much everything else in sex, right? Yes, you can just jam an object inside someone without warming them up, or start jacking a guy with no warmup, or stick your tongue down someone’s throat on the first kiss. And yes, you can find people who like that too!
But most people don’t. And therefore, kinksters being people and all, most kinksters don’t care much for it either.
I’m always saying “don’t do it the way they do it in porn.” Let me just add “don’t do it the way angry parents, teachers, and frat boys do it either.”
See the way he’s using his belt to control rather than strangle his partner? Surprised? Please don’t be! This is an excellent way to play D/S games with a belt.
Between cop shows and hard-core porn we’re sort of conditioned to believe “belt around the neck” equals “attempted strangulation.”
Don’t get me wrong here. If you know what you’re doing erotic choking can be awesome for the person being choked. But the top really does need to know what they’re doing and, more important, the top needs to be seriously in control of themselves.
But!
As with many other elements of sex, and kink, even BDSM kink, a huge amount of the benefit comes from a sense of gained or surrendered control.
I’m not going to say “don’t use a belt to choke your sweetie,” though I will say “be really fucking careful if you use a belt to choke your sweetie.” Instead I’m going to say “try control first.”
Ok, ok, I’ll also say “be sure to protect your/their neck” as well, because you only want people to feel the good kind of sore the next day.
Sigh. Mmm, fun things you can do with belts!
New Toyko Decadence – Pink Eiga
This is about ethics and humiliation play, with a quick dad’splain about ethical exhibitionism.
Ok. So. If you’ve got an exhibitionist kink it’s still unethical to involve others without their consent. So while it’s super hot to think about, and really hot to be in semi-public situations where you could almost get caught, it’s a total dick move to expose either yourself or a partner where unsuspecting people might see you.
This is actually well understood in the kink community. And exhibitionism is its own kink.
Now let’s consider humilation play.
Not everyone’s into humiliation, anymore than everyone’s into exhibitionism (or any other kink!) But! For some people humilation play is hot as blazes!
I have to admit I didn’t really get it till a submissive friend explained it. And then melted into a yummy little horny mess when I tried it. (It wasn’t a hard limit for me but till I got the hang of it I probably needed more aftercare than she did!)
Anyway. Just as the risk (and possible shame, incidentally) of being seen is usually hot enough, the idea of humiliation and shame is usually hot enough too.
But as with exhibitionism, never involve third parties in your erotic humiliation play without their consent either.
There seems to be a common mischaracterization of d/s relationships: that dominance is active, submission is passive, dominance is doing, submission is being done to. And, if your frame of reference were primarily porn or erotic fiction, it would be easy to reach that conclusion. How many feminist objections to d/s are based in this type of thinking? It may also be at the root of common questions like “How do I get my SO to be more dominant?”
This mischaracterization of the d/s dynamic is unfair because it doesn’t give submissive partners enough credit. From where I sit, submission doesn’t look like a passive pursuit. It looks like real work. Submissives choose their role, and they choose to work at it at least as hard as their dominant partners. And then…they make themselves physically and emotionally vulnerable. They trust. Amazing. You aren’t foolish or weak. You deserve to be proud of the relationship that you build everyday.
tl;dr…Thanks for doing what you do. It is noticed and appreciated.
Oh, and pretty picture. Love the dress. Love the curls.
I am a lucky girl.
This is roughly the mindset
@cynicaldom comes from when he corrects me from saying he leads, I follow to he leads, I support.
UGH! This!!!
To clear the air for a moment it’s not surprising that there are (non-kink) feminist objections to the way D/S is represented in popular culture. There’s no doubt that D/S porn and erotica (including Tumblr) has a big problem with gender representation. In the real world there are huge numbers of women who are Doms and men who are (non-”sissy” and non-”forced-feminization!”) Subs.
You’d never know it from porn and erotica but Dominance and Submission are kinks not genders! Until that totally fucked-up notion gets straightened out feminists (and misogynists!) are going to keep having the same fundamental misunderstanding.
But more importantly…
This mischaracterization of the d/s dynamic is unfair because it doesn’t give submissive partners enough credit.
OMG, if you don’t get that you haven’t got a single fucking clue what D/S (or Cg/L, or S&M, or B&D or the other power-exchange kinks) are about at all!
Unlike victims of abuse and violence Submissives actively engage and participate. They initiate! They don’t just cooperate they often actively critique, negotiate, recommend, and reject their partner’s Dominance.
In the real world, Subs cultivate and coach their Doms as often as Doms train and develop their Subs.
The point is that bottoming kinks are their own affirmative kinks pursued by active, autonomous agents. Submission ≠ subordination. Dominance ≠ superiority! And kink relationships are real relationships!
Again, if you don’t understand that fundamental truth then you’re not a Dom you’re a vanilla asshole who likes to push your partners around. If you don’t get that you’re not a Sub you’re codependent, or a doormat, or both. And if you don’t understand that tops and bottoms are partners the way pitchers and batters are partner you’re not going to understand D/S or any of the power-exchange kinks.
Final note: I’m not making a “no true Scotsman” argument here. There are plenty of self-styled “doms” and “subs” who are just loud vanilla players. And too many of us let them get away with it. This is a particular problem for subs because, for better or worse, there aren’t enough good Doms to go around! This creates a structural advantage for wannabes, users, and legit abusers to slip through the cracks. And cause real havoc.
But! Until everybody understands that Doms and Subs are equal, autonomous partners and that D/S is a kink dynamic and not a gender dynamic there will continue to be giant cracks where the assholes will continue to slip through.
Feel sorry for the folks who imagine a grudging “I guess so” is as good as it gets. Or needs to get.
Consent is, like, a basic ground-level, oxygen-in-the-room minimum requirement.
Sex isn’t like the wry airplain pilot quip that “any landing you can walk away from is a good landing.”
Sex isn’t like American-rules football where it’s ok to say “an ugly win is still a win.”
Sex – kinky no less than vanilla – is supposed to satisfy everybody. Where nobody else gets to say what “satisfied” means for anybody else.
If you don’t have not just “consent” but an excited “oh yes” then U R Doing It Rong. Or your partner is. Or both of you are.
Hey Cliff, I was wondering if you knew if using toothpaste internally is potentially harmful (anus or vagina). I’m seeing mixed reports online and I’m not about to ask my doctor about it in person, lol. If it is, would using it around these orifices be potentially dangerous?
You know, the real answer to this kind of thing is that nobody does research on this. It’s as unknown to science as the unmapped depths of the ocean. I can sort of guess and extrapolate from stuff like “well, it doesn’t damage your mouth” and “I couldn’t find any case reports of someone seriously injured by vaginal/anal toothpaste,” but guessing is all it is.
And if you ask a doctor–or a nurse more sensible than me, frankly–they’re going to tell you not to do it. The downside if you do it and get hurt and blame us is major, and the upside if you enjoy it is… not something healthcare can really set a value on.
So I don’t really know what to tell you. It’ll definitely hurt, but I’m assuming that’s a feature not a bug for you. Anecdotally I know of people who put toothpaste on their clitorises and nothing bad happened, but that’s just anecdotes and it’s not the same as internal tissue.
So…??? It’s honestly not a question I can answer.
DO NOT. PUT TOOTHPASTE. IN AN ORIFICE. OTHER THAN YOUR MOUTH.
It contains detergent, surfactants, grit, and foaming agents.
It WILL cause microabrasions to your mucous membranes and it WILL leave your orifices prone to infection.
Okay, I think you should listen to this person.
I’m always biased in favor of sexual weirdness and against excessive caution, but she has industry sources for this. So yeah. Don’t put toothpaste up in yourself. Sorry.
People put all sorts of very bad-for-you things in their various body parts. Most of them don’t do it twice.
Most of us have had some kind of experience with the more “active” ingredients in toothpaste, menthol shaving cream, or perfumes on sensitive membranes and discovered that they burn or sting way out of proportion to how they feel in our mouths. Peppermint, spearmint, cinnamon, or eucalyptus (menthol) oils in toothpaste as well as some of the lighter esters, aldehydes, and alcohols in perfumes and shaving cremes out suspiciously mild on genital tissue (including penises, scrotums, outer labia, and clitoris hoods) but continue to get more intense. And more intense. And ow-really-fucking-burns intense.
People who are into “figging” with fresh ginger and/or chiles do this for fun. The difference being that both ginger and capsaicin oils in chiles cause nerve endings to “light up” but don’t cause active tissue damage.
You want to put something “hot” on your naughty bits my advice would be
a) don’t
b) use chiles or ginger
And AS ALWAY if you’re a top, or even just think you are, try a small amount on yourself first! It’s not just a matter of “sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander” (though it is that.) It’s that as a good, competent top you’ll appreciate what you do to your bottom a hell of a lot more if you understand what you’re subjecting them to. (And if you’re thinking hell no way I’d do that to myself then… don’t know what to tell ya, champ, for thinking it’s ok to do it to someone else.)
“Pet.”
There’s a reason Traditional men call their girls “pet”.
Just like a pet, a submissive girl needs to know there are boundaries. Fences keep in pets and rules keep girls accountable.
Just like a pet, a submissive girl needs appreciation. She needs to hear “good girl” often to know she’s loved and valued.
Just like a pet, a submissive girl needs routine. You walk your dog at the same time every day, and your girl should have a chore list and a time limit in which to complete it.
We call girls pets because we treat them the same as we would treat a beloved pet – by imposing boundaries, showing appreciation, and enforcing routine.
And that’s exactly what both pets need to be happy and fulfilled.
-VIS
The difference being that “traditional men” actually fucking believe their adult, human partners are nothing more than domestic livestock!
The King James version of the 10 Commandments, which is literally as fucking “traditional” as Western Civilization gets, goes like this: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.”
In “tradition” women aren’t people, they’re a man’s things! Just like his ox or his ass or his servants or real estate.
Meanwhile every legitimate kinkster understands that their partners are independent, autonomous adult human agents of their own destiny. I say that categorically in the sense that anyone who fails to understand this isn’t a kinkster, they’re just loud vanilla.
So if I’m a kinkster I may call you “baby,” or “puppy,” or “teapot,” or use pedestal words like “princess,” or “angel” or even use judgment words like “good girl” or “naughty” to accentuate a shared erotic mood. But in kink those words have the same semantic weight as paper parasols in a fruit cocktail – decoration only, not the truth. The truth is we both know, and deeply care, that you’re your own grown-assed woman self.
D/S, D/Lg, and other power-exchange kinks are awesome because they’re voluntary agreements between equal, autonomous partners. We play it’s the tropes and language of “tradition” precisely because it’s transgressive and therefore we don’t really mean it.
Tradition doesn’t just mean it, they believe it and go to extraordinary lengths to force it down everyone else’s throats. So fuck “tradition” and the oxen and asses it rode up on.
On Doms and doodledoms
Any jackass can kick down a barn. There’s more to that if you want to build something real, though, doesn’t it?
Two important points about adult Littles…
- Cute cotton panties and a t-shirt are highly underrated “lingerie.”
- When I ask you to crawl under my desk and fix something I genuinely appreciate that you can actually fix them!
Just wanted to acknowledge those two things. I might pull you into my lap and call you Daddy’s little gumdrop, but I’ll never, ever doubt that you’re a damn capable gumdrop.