This! If she wants a dick pic sheâll take it herself!
This is the biggest misconception about women and dicks. Most women like their partnersâ dicks just fine. Love them. Daydream about them. Want to put them in their mouths or pussies. Maybe even want to have and keep pictures of them too!
But âmy partnerâs dickâ probably isnât the same thing as âyour dick,â is it? Hmm… roughly 2,000,000,000 straight, adult women in the world… only one you… even if youâre poly as hell youâre unlikely to have more than 500 partners so… ok, at best thereâs still at best a 1/40,000,000 chance a random woman is going to be happy to see your dick.
Even though she likely adores her partnerâs dick.
âDoesnât want to see your dick picâ â Â âdoesnât like dicks.â
Sometimes I donât think men realize how important intimacy is before sex. Yeah like I know we are gonna fuck. But sometimes I wanna lay with you and make out and just have you touch me all over and slip a hand between my legs for a while so that after its all over I can think of the way your hands scorched across my skin. I wont ever forget.
Wait. Seriously? Pretty sure even when I was a callow, pimply-faced youth I still had sense (and sensuality… and self-respect!!!) enough to want to take my time, enjoy goddamn *sex* and not just a quick little jackrabbitery before doing… what? What else could you possibly want to do if youâve got a warm, wonderful, naked woman next to you?
Honestly. Guys worry so much about âpremature ejaculation,â and maybe theyâre ashamed of themselves? Maybe they think âtwo-pump chimpâ is a *complement?*. But fact is that stories about âblue ballsâ notwithstanding, the benefit of âforeplay,â. (Itâs really sex) for men is it takes us longer to come, just like it help our partners take less time to come.
And puhlease donât tell me that spending an hour kissing and being kissed, touching and being touched, holding someone and being held, licking someone and being licked, doesnât add up to some *supreme* sexual pleasures of their own, even before you get to intercourse!
Iâll say this only once.. anyone who judges you because youâve not had sex does not deserve to even have you in that potential position in the first place.
And not to be even more prickly but anyone who says ânow that youâve had sex once everything is fineâ also needs a reset. Because thatâs also judgment. Â
Just like experiencing sex doesnât change you, experiencing sex once doesnât change you either.
Weâd all be better off if we erased âvirginâ and âvirginityâ from our vocabularies.  âVirginityâ in both tradition and law is related to a womanâs property value to her current (father) and prospective (husband) custodial males. Just decline to participate in that. Women need to stop using the word. Men really gotta stop using the word!
You know why you want to be sweet and supportive to someone when itâs their first time? Itâs not because itâs some kind of privilege or some kind of burden, and itâs definitely not because itâs somehow snapping anybodyâs âseal of freshness!â  Instead itâs because theyâre a beginner! Itâs because if someone you like wants to do a thing, and you enjoy doing the thing too, you want them to enjoy it enough to want to do it again.
Same with the second time too!
And never mind that intercourse is only one tiny part of sex! Thatâs a whole nother conversation altogether. Â
There seems to be a common mischaracterization of d/s relationships: that dominance is active, submission is passive, dominance is doing, submission is being done to. And, if your frame of reference were primarily porn or erotic fiction, it would be easy to reach that conclusion. How many feminist objections to d/s are based in this type of thinking? It may also be at the root of common questions like âHow do I get my SO to be more dominant?â
This mischaracterization of the d/s dynamic is unfair because it doesnât give submissive partners enough credit. From where I sit, submission doesnât look like a passive pursuit. It looks like real work. Submissives choose their role, and they choose to work at it at least as hard as their dominant partners. And thenâŠthey make themselves physically and emotionally vulnerable. They trust. Amazing. You arenât foolish or weak. You deserve to be proud of the relationship that you build everyday.Â
tl;drâŠThanks for doing what you do. It is noticed and appreciated.
Oh, and pretty picture. Love the dress. Love the curls.
I am a lucky girl.
This is roughly the mindset
@cynicaldom comes from when he corrects me from saying he leads, I follow to he leads, I support.Â
UGH! This!!! Â
To clear the air for a moment itâs not surprising that there are (non-kink) feminist objections to the way D/S is represented in popular culture. Thereâs no doubt that D/S porn and erotica (including Tumblr) has a big problem with gender representation. In the real world there are huge numbers of women who are Doms and men who are (non-âsissyâ and non-âforced-feminization!â) Subs. Â
Youâd never know it from porn and erotica but Dominance and Submission are kinks not genders! Until that totally fucked-up notion gets straightened out feminists (and misogynists!) are going to keep having the same fundamental misunderstanding.
But more importantly…
This mischaracterization of the d/s dynamic is unfair because it doesnât give submissive partners enough credit.
OMG, if you donât get that you havenât got a single fucking clue what D/S (or Cg/L, or S&M, or B&D or the other power-exchange kinks) are about at all!
Unlike victims of abuse and violence Submissives actively engage and participate. They initiate! They donât just cooperate they often actively critique, negotiate, recommend, and reject their partnerâs Dominance. Â
In the real world, Subs cultivate and coach their Doms as often as Doms train and develop their Subs. Â
The point is that bottoming kinks are their own affirmative kinks pursued by active, autonomous agents. Submission â subordination. Dominance â superiority! And kink relationships are real relationships!
Again, if you donât understand that fundamental truth then youâre not a Dom youâre a vanilla asshole who likes to push your partners around. If you donât get that youâre not a Sub youâre codependent, or a doormat, or both. And if you donât understand that tops and bottoms are partners the way pitchers and batters are partner youâre not going to understand D/S or any of the power-exchange kinks.
Final note: Iâm not making a âno true Scotsmanâ argument here. There are plenty of self-styled âdomsâ and âsubsâ who are just loud vanilla players. And too many of us let them get away with it. This is a particular problem for subs because, for better or worse, there arenât enough good Doms to go around! This creates a structural advantage for wannabes, users, and legit abusers to slip through the cracks. And cause real havoc.
But! Until everybody understands that Doms and Subs are equal, autonomous partners and that D/S is a kink dynamic and not a gender dynamic there will continue to be giant cracks where the assholes will continue to slip through.
âalmost every woman i have ever met has a secret belief that she is just on the edge of madness, that there is some deep, crazy part within her, that she must be on guard constantly against âlosing controlâ â of her temper, of her appetite, of her sexuality, of her feelings, of her ambition, of her secret fantasies, of her mindâ
â Elana Dykewomon âNotes for a Magazine"
Societyâs trick is to raise everyone to believe half of humanity are some kind of cross between devils and angels, enforcers of propriety and objects of lust, to be ârespectedâ or even âworshipedâ on the one hand but also denied opportunities, respect, authority, and compensation for being âlittle ladies.â
Oh, also! Youâre accused of being âhormonalâ on a monthly basis by… men who wake up every morning with a frickinâ erection!
I promise, promise, promise itâs not you whoâs on the edge of madness. Or if you are itâs because societyâs set up to systematically and methodically drive you crazy.
Curious about what you use and how you came up with it???
Never forget that the universal safeword is âwhat the fuck, asshole!â
Seriously. If you want out of a scene and your partner doesnât seem to be registering your distress, then even if you havenât set a âproperâ safe word, if youâre snapped out of your zone itâs 100% acceptable for you to snap them out of theirs.
Also note: in most circumstances a top is doing something wrong if they push their partner to a point they need to safeword. Itâs not a good thing. Itâs not a âwin.â
You know, the real answer to this kind of thing is that nobody does research on this. Itâs as unknown to science as the unmapped depths of the ocean. I can sort of guess and extrapolate from stuff like âwell, it doesnât damage your mouthâ and âI couldnât find any case reports of someone seriously injured by vaginal/anal toothpaste,â but guessing is all it is.
And if you ask a doctorâor a nurse more sensible than me, franklyâtheyâre going to tell you not to do it. The downside if you do it and get hurt and blame us is major, and the upside if you enjoy it is⊠not something healthcare can really set a value on.
So I donât really know what to tell you. Itâll definitely hurt, but Iâm assuming thatâs a feature not a bug for you. Anecdotally I know of people who put toothpaste on their clitorises and nothing bad happened, but thatâs just anecdotes and itâs not the same as internal tissue.
SoâŠ??? Itâs honestly not a question I can answer.
DO NOT. PUT TOOTHPASTE. IN AN ORIFICE. OTHER THAN YOUR MOUTH.
It contains detergent, surfactants, grit, and foaming agents.
It WILL cause microabrasions to your mucous membranes and it WILL leave your orifices prone to infection.
Okay, I think you should listen to this person.
Iâm always biased in favor of sexual weirdness and against excessive caution, but she has industry sources for this. So yeah. Donât put toothpaste up in yourself. Sorry.
People put all sorts of very bad-for-you things in their various body parts. Most of them donât do it twice.
Most of us have had some kind of experience with the more âactiveâ ingredients in toothpaste, menthol shaving cream, or perfumes on sensitive membranes and discovered that they burn or sting way out of proportion to how they feel in our mouths. Peppermint, spearmint, cinnamon, or eucalyptus (menthol) oils in toothpaste as well as some of the lighter esters, aldehydes, and alcohols in perfumes and shaving cremes out suspiciously mild on genital tissue (including penises, scrotums, outer labia, and clitoris hoods) but continue to get more intense. And more intense. And ow-really-fucking-burns intense.
People who are into âfiggingâ with fresh ginger and/or chiles do this for fun. The difference being that both ginger and capsaicin oils in chiles cause nerve endings to âlight upâ but donât cause active tissue damage.Â
You want to put something âhotâ on your naughty bits my advice would beÂ
a) donât b) use chiles or ginger
And AS ALWAY if youâre a top, or even just think you are, try a small amount on yourself first! Itâs not just a matter of âsauce for the goose is sauce for the ganderâ (though it is that.) Itâs that as a good, competent top youâll appreciate what you do to your bottom a hell of a lot more if you understand what youâre subjecting them to. (And if youâre thinking hell no way Iâd do that to myself then… donât know what to tell ya, champ, for thinking itâs ok to do it to someone else.)
Interesting tidbit about the social impact on gender and partner counts that I can no longer find the source for
When asked to estimate the number of sex partners they have women tend to divide their ânumberâ by two
Men tend to multiply by two instead
As long as we still have social narratives about âslutsâ and âstuds,â donât tell me women or men no longer âneed feminism.â
Note: If you average only one partner a year then by age 60 your ânumberâ will be roughly 40.
Note: Most people donât think of one partner a year as particularly âsluttyâ or âstudly.â
Note: Given that most marriages last on the order of five years, and that people will average roughly five partners before, after, or between marriages, a lifetime ânumberâ of 40 partners still shouldnât seem that scandalous.
Asking someone how many partners they âve had or, especially asking a woman âhow many cocks have you âtaken,ââ is both dumb and rude.
Judging someone based on how many partners theyâve had is just ridiculous.Â
Consider the following hypothetical conversation
âHow many times have you played tennis?â âNone, sir.â âGood, then I really want to play tennis with youâ
What kinds of predictions can you make about someone whoâs excited to play tennis against inexperienced players?
Letâs try another hypothetical conversation
âHow many people have you played tennis with?â â40, none of whom had any experienceâ
Now consider a less hypothetical conversation that begins with
âHow many sex partners have you had?â
Do you think a numerical answer will be a useful basis for anything other than judgment?
