By Thomas Oldenough | October 8, 2019 | Comments Off on hey there, i was hoping you could lend some advice about bottoming. we’re both switches, but i really prefer to top; during the moment, however, i can seem to be really into it. truth is, my mind is wired the entire time and i’m overthinking, even though i come. we do long sessions of after-care, but emotions like inferiority etc. can stay for days. frequently bottoming leaves me emotionally sensitive afterwards but i don’t wanna take that enjoyment away from her; i want it perfect for her :((
If I can try to paraphrase it sounds like you’re up for bottoming for your switch-y partner, but instead of dropping into subspace you still keep that hyper-awareness that comes naturally to tops. Sounds like the kind of topping she likes leaves you feeling inferior and jumpy for days after, even though she tries to do good aftercare for you. And finally, you want her to enjoy herself too but it’s coming at your expense. Does all that sound about right?
I’m going to invite you to try on that you’re not really a switch. Not saying you aren’t, just asking you to consider what if you’re not.
If you were always a top, even when you let her play with you, you could keep the topping hierarchy in mind:
Sub’s needs
Dom’s needs
Dom’s wants
Sub’s wants
A good top “wants it perfect” for their partner. That’s you. A good top never loses control and stays vigilant to what’s going on instead of going into subspace and letting their partner be responsible. That sounds like you too!
I’m suggesting this in part because if you were (literally, in this case) “topping from the bottom” in the sense that you were indulging your partner by letting her perform specific tasks then many of her words and actions might tend to roll off her back rather than land hard on you.
You’re vigilant (not “overthinking”) so while you’re indulging her you could at least mentally be adding “good girl, look at you topping me” each time she tries something. Of course you don’t need to let her know.
The above would be a way for you to address her (occasional, right?) needs.
Now. Using our little thought experiement let’s look at your needs because “Dom’s needs” comes second on that list. It sounds like your partner may be topping you in ways that make her happy but leave you rattled. Does that sound right?
Turn it around and say “if I was topping her in ways I wanted that left her rattled for days, how would I change things up?” If she had real Dom tendencies she’s check in with you and make her own adjustments, really clarify your boundaries with you, and play inside those boundaries.
And if you were a real Dom (as I suspect) you’d probably not consider your own feelings, figuring you could adjust/accommodate to meet hers. (Though, really, Doms and Daddies have to have their own boundaries and limits as well, they’re usually unconscious since as the initiator you’re going to tend not to do things that push your boundaries.)
She may want to top you certain ways, but you need to be topped in ways that don’t leave you feeling let down and jumpy for days after. In the D/S stack your needs as the Dom comes higher than her wants.
Finally, you want to let her “top” you. Just not necessarily the way she wants to. In the D/S stack your wants come higher than hers. So…
Alright. All of the above was just a thought experiment. You may both really be switches. But looking at how things might go if you were an indulgent Dom you can see some steps you might take to protect yourself.
TBH it still sounds to me like you’re a top and she’s not, or she’s not a very good one. But even if that’s not the case, here’s a little tip:
The steps I outlined above are still pretty good things a switch or Sub can do to protect themselves and enjoy themselves as well with a less experienced or less responsible partner!
Best of luck to you and your partner. Feel free to share this with her and see what she thinks. I really do hope you can both to be able to enjoy yourselves no matter how you play. Let me know what you think.
Comments Off on hey there, i was hoping you could lend some advice about bottoming. we’re both switches, but i really prefer to top; during the moment, however, i can seem to be really into it. truth is, my mind is wired the entire time and i’m overthinking, even though i come. we do long sessions of after-care, but emotions like inferiority etc. can stay for days. frequently bottoming leaves me emotionally sensitive afterwards but i don’t wanna take that enjoyment away from her; i want it perfect for her :((
If you think you are “forcing” someone to submit, You are wrong. One may give in to your superior brute strength- but that is not submission.
Submission can not be forced. One only submits of their free will.
Some people just want a person to “give in”. But the brilliant ones know the difference. They know the value of the submission. They are willing to work for the trust, the passion, the utter commitment that a submissive has.
True submission is incredibly beautiful while giving in is incredibly sad. It’s also the difference in our D/s and abuse.
*disclaimer- this is of course- all my opinion.
Seriously, kids!
Look. I can’t say this clearly enough: an empowered Sub is a better Sub! More responsive. Able to go deeper. Able to give more. Sexier. More into it.
If you can’t have a “no” that’s respected you can’t afford to give a wholehearted, no-reservations, completely trusting yes. It’s as simple as that.
I don’t think it’s just because I’m a heterosexual man that I don’t think cocks are as pretty or interesting as pussies.
I think instead it’s cause cocks are meant to feel good inside someone, not look good outside them.
You’ve probably noticed most heterosexual women really do love cocks… love them in their hands, in their mouths, in their pussies too. If they don’t seem to care to see them? Especially not random dick pics? Try on that it’s because that’s because cocks are meant to feel good, not look good.
By Thomas Oldenough | October 5, 2019 | Comments Off on About that “number” thing…
Interesting tidbit about the social impact on gender and partner counts that I can no longer find the source for
When asked to estimate the number of sex partners they have women tend to divide their “number” by two
Men tend to multiply by two instead
As long as we still have social narratives about “sluts” and “studs,” don’t tell me women or men no longer “need feminism.”
Note: If you average only one partner a year then by age 60 your “number” will be roughly 40.
Note: Most people don’t think of one partner a year as particularly “slutty” or “studly.”
Note: Given that most marriages last on the order of five years, and that people will average roughly five partners before, after, or between marriages, a lifetime “number” of 40 partners still shouldn’t seem that scandalous.
Asking someone how many partners they ‘ve had or, especially asking a woman “how many cocks have you ‘taken,’” is both dumb and rude.
Judging someone based on how many partners they’ve had is just ridiculous.
Consider the following hypothetical conversation
“How many times have you played tennis?” “None, sir.” “Good, then I really want to play tennis with you”
What kinds of predictions can you make about someone who’s excited to play tennis against inexperienced players?
Let’s try another hypothetical conversation
“How many people have you played tennis with?” “40, none of whom had any experience”
Now consider a less hypothetical conversation that begins with
“How many sex partners have you had?”
Do you think a numerical answer will be a useful basis for anything other than judgment?
Submission is it’s own, independent kink and therefore Submissives actively seek what they want. What outsiders don’t get about bottoms in kink is that what they want may or may not be more deep or intense than what their tops want.
For better or worse (mostly worse) our notions of D/S, D/Lg, S&M, and other power-exchange kinks in BDSM are bound up with our notions about traditional/historical gender: men are ravening horndogs, women are demure, innocent angels. Men are violent and prone to abuse, women are dependent and often victimized.
It’s so baked into the dominant paradigm that we automatically assign things women do to facilitate their sexuality (things like kneeling, raising their bottoms when face down, parting their legs, enjoying ass impact, receiving penetration) with cultural gestures of subordination, subjugation, and degradation.
(Aside: next time someone tells you we don’t need feminism or LGBT activism ask yourself why “cocksucker” is still commonly hurled and received as a “fighting words” insult. But I digress…)
While kink is certainly subject to its own gender problems (in the 21st Century why the fuck does anyone use “Domme” or, bleah, “dominatrix” for Doms that happen to be women?) it’s just not the case that Dominance or Submission kinks are intrinsically gendered. Nor is it the case that all Dominants are all-knowing and all demanding and that Submission is a passive kink or that Submissives have no interests or agenda of their own.
I was already a top when I was too young to understand what sex was. When I say I’m not a capital-D Dom, or a non-Dom Daddy I don’t mean I’m not physically dominant during sex. (Heh, no.) I can be a very enthusiastic Sadist with a partner who’s a cheerful Masochist. I don’t happen to have that common urge to push people’s boundaries or limits – never thought “oh boy, I bet my partner would really hate it if I tried doing XYZ, so I want to do XYZ to them.”
But!
But as a result I’ve had a number of Submissive, Little, and Masochistic partners hint or outright ask for more. And oh boy is that an awesome feeling!
But I’ve also had quite a few partners who’s pushed for more than I’m comfortable with. At least initially. And some who’ve asked for or even demanded things that are simply hard limits for me.
Early on, when I was still thoroughly indoctrinated to the notion that Doms initiate and Subs merely receive, I pushed myself past my hard limits. Or struggled to get ahead of my submissive or masochistic partner’s ardent desire for humiliation, pain, or exhibitionism. It simply didn’t occur to me that I was automatically in charge by virtue of my sex (male) or role (Dominant/Daddy/Sadist) and so it never occurred to me that I could say no!
Fortunately that rarely happens, and even better, once I got over the stupid conceit that as a top, and as a man, my needs and kinks always exceeded those of my women partners in kink, I’ve been able to respect and accommodate not only my partner’s limits and boundaries but my own.
But also consequently I’m no longer surprised to find a partner waiting for me, already soaking wet, on her knees with a belt in her mouth. Did I expect it? No. Did I initiate it? No, Submission is its own kink and so it’s not surprising when Submissives initiate. Do I know what to do? Oh yeah, Daddy knows exactly what to do with a naughty puppy with a belt in her mouth, doesn’t he, cinnamonstick?
There’s a reason Traditional men call their girls “pet”.
Just like a pet, a submissive girl needs to know there are boundaries. Fences keep in pets and rules keep girls accountable.
Just like a pet, a submissive girl needs appreciation. She needs to hear “good girl” often to know she’s loved and valued.
Just like a pet, a submissive girl needs routine. You walk your dog at the same time every day, and your girl should have a chore list and a time limit in which to complete it.
We call girls pets because we treat them the same as we would treat a beloved pet – by imposing boundaries, showing appreciation, and enforcing routine.
And that’s exactly what both pets need to be happy and fulfilled.
-VIS
The difference being that “traditional men” actually fucking believe their adult, human partners are nothing more than domestic livestock!
The King James version of the 10 Commandments, which is literally as fucking “traditional” as Western Civilization gets, goes like this: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.”
In “tradition” women aren’t people, they’re a man’s things! Just like his ox or his ass or his servants or real estate.
Meanwhile every legitimate kinkster understands that their partners are independent, autonomous adult human agents of their own destiny. I say that categorically in the sense that anyone who fails to understand this isn’t a kinkster, they’re just loud vanilla.
So if I’m a kinkster I may call you “baby,” or “puppy,” or “teapot,” or use pedestal words like “princess,” or “angel” or even use judgment words like “good girl” or “naughty” to accentuate a shared erotic mood. But in kink those words have the same semantic weight as paper parasols in a fruit cocktail – decoration only, not the truth. The truth is we both know, and deeply care, that you’re your own grown-assed woman self.
D/S, D/Lg, and other power-exchange kinks are awesome because they’re voluntary agreements between equal, autonomous partners. We play it’s the tropes and language of “tradition” precisely because it’s transgressive and therefore we don’t really mean it.
Tradition doesn’t just mean it, they believe it and go to extraordinary lengths to force it down everyone else’s throats. So fuck “tradition” and the oxen and asses it rode up on.
S/O to the girls that love being choked a lil when they’re being kissed
This is one of those things I’ll do, kindly and carefully, that as a top I don’t really understand. I mean I’ve never once woken up saying gee it would be nice to lightly choke my sweetie.
But, weirdly to the uninitiated, power-exchange kinks aren’t all about the top, are they? Older, experienced tops certainly do what pleases us, but we do it within the consent, boundaries, and hard limits we negotiate with our partners.
I’ve never though mmm, wonder if she’ll let me choke her. But oh boy do a lot of submissive melt into happy little smoldering puddles when I do.
I might not understand why it turns you on so, caterpuppy. But I adore doing it with, to, and for you.
By Thomas Oldenough | October 2, 2019 | Comments Off on Hi! So I’m 19 (and a Virgin). I have an older friend who is married. And I just learned that she and her husband are in an open relationship. My friend is about to go on a very long business trip… leaving her kind, attractive 46 year old husband all alone… any advice?
Interesting situation and an interesting question. I’m going to answer quickly because it sounds like your situation is coming up quickly.
Did your friend say she and her husband are in an open relationship or did her husband? Get clarification on this with your friend.
Did your friend suggest you connect with her husband or did her husband? Get clarification from this as well.
Or, I suppose, are you planning to connect with him on your own? If so (not to repeat myself) let your friend know and possibly ask if she’ll provide an “introduction” for you and/or permission for you to connect with her husband while she’s away.
You don’t have to say “hey, I’m thinking of connecting with your husband while you’re gone.” It’s ok to be more general and open-ended. But you do want to give her and/or them an opportunity to be transparent with each other – there are different rules for different open relationships. Some are don’t ask / don’t tell while others are “I want allll the steamy details.” That’s for them to work out but you need to make sure you’re not stepping into something that will blow up when she returns.
If the answer to any of these questions about their open relationship and your relationship with them isn’t clear then my advice is “don’t go there.”
You’ll notice I’ve said nothing about your relative ages or sexual experience levels. There are plenty of other questions and/or advice I could offer about that, and I’ll be happy to if you want to send a second ask. But those are almost irrelevant in the face of the bigger question of what’s their dynamic and how are you going to fit in it so that you don’t end up falling between them… and possibly falling out with your friend, her husband, or both.
Thank you for asking. And best of luck getting clarity on those first important questions.
Comments Off on Hi! So I’m 19 (and a Virgin). I have an older friend who is married. And I just learned that she and her husband are in an open relationship. My friend is about to go on a very long business trip… leaving her kind, attractive 46 year old husband all alone… any advice?
The mistake people make about D/Lg is thinking Littles aren’t autonomous adults with their own independent kinks who are both capable and erotically motivated to act and initiate on their own behalf.
