D/Lg isn’t all about bedtime spankings or “yes Daddy” or cute projects or cock nursing and cuddlefucking.
A lot of it is gladly dragging yourself out of bed in the morning to make coffee for you and your sleepy, grumpy Little… who may or may not be clinging to you like a needy koala bear the entire time.
Which happens to be another one of the best feelings in the world.
By Thomas Oldenough | August 20, 2019 | Comments Off on I have a dom coming to visit me and he is adamant about not using a safe word. I’ve been looking forward to him coming down and have talked about what I would be comfortable with, but the idea of no safe word is frightening. Should i call if off or go through with it?
“The idea of no safe word is frightening.”
You answered your own question, didn’t you?
I’m 100% sympathetic. You look forward to meeting him, and he’s comfortable talking to you about your needs and wants.
I’ve mentioned before that there’s a school of thought in kink that safewords aren’t actually safe… in the sense that a top should never get out of control and should always be 100% attentive and that too many bottoms get to hazy or even intimidated or “brave” to safeword.
But!
Since you can be all that and use safewords too it’s a red flag that this person is “adamant” about not having one.
The only purpose of D/S in particular, BDSM and kink in a little more general, and non-intentionally-reproductive sex in general is for both of you to enjoy yourselves, to feel safe, to be happy, horny, healthy, and want to do it again. And again.
That’s a pretty low bar. Sounds like it’s not going to be met without him agreeing to letting you have a safeword and without you being 100% confident that he’ll respect it you use it. And-and that he won’t wet his pants or throw a fit if you did use it.
So I’m going to say call it off unless and until you stop being frightened instead of totally excited to submit to him.
In fact I’m going to be blunt (not mean, just blunt) and say a good Dom would have called off his trip instead of putting you in the uncomfortable position of having to do it yourself! He hasn’t. So maybe he’s not a good Dom for you.
Thank you so much for asking this question. It’s a really, really important one that shouldn’t need repeating but does. Over and over.
Comments Off on I have a dom coming to visit me and he is adamant about not using a safe word. I’ve been looking forward to him coming down and have talked about what I would be comfortable with, but the idea of no safe word is frightening. Should i call if off or go through with it?
🌸 if your daddy doesn’t take care of you while you’re on your period then i hate to break it to you, but he’s not your daddy he’s a dick, sweetie 🌸
Wait. What? I’ve always been down for at least heating a lavender wheat pack for regular old friends if they’re crampy, let alone girlfriends when I was vanilla let alone a Little who’s vested in me authority over her.
Who the fuck doesn’t take care of their sweeties when they’re on their period?
Gang, you don’t do that you’re not just not her Daddy you’re not even her friend! Grow a dick, don’t be one.
Ahahah! Yeah. Here’s a little clue about topping people: before you can thrill someone else with your artfully brutal callous indifference to their wants, needs, comfort, humanity, blah, blah, blah, pleasure, and orgasms you kind of have to be able to prove to them (and probably to yourself) that you actually can do all those things.
Because if you can’t then you’re not a “Dom” you’re a thumb-fingered asshole.
-you ignore your sub unless they are in some way sexually pleasing you
-you call yourself daddy while introducing yourself to a possible sub
-you assume that a ddlg/ddlb relationship is purely sexual
-you give out punishments for no reason other than for your own pleasure
-you make your sub feel bad for being in little space
For those that are baffled by this concept, try remembering that kind relationships are still relationships. And therefore all relationship rules apply. And therefore all non-kink relationship rules apply.
So!
Try this out: someone is not a real boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife if…
You ignore your partner unless they are in some way sexually pleasing you
You call yourself their husband/wife while introducing yourself
You assume that all relationships are purely sexual
You make demands for no reason other than for your own pleasure
You make your partner feel bad for being into their own things
Wow, right? Someone who did all those things would be a really shitty boyfriend wouldn’t they?!??! Or girlfriend. In fact, “boyfriend” wouldn’t even be accurate because you really wouldn’t even be friends, period!
Now. Add kink rules on top of those rules and suddenly @probl3maticprincess‘s rules make total, perfect, 100% sense, don’t they?
Nothing wrong with sex-only bag-over-your-heads hookups if that’s all either of you want, and the same for kink-only hookups too. It’s BDSM, sure, and that’s totally fine! But just like you wouldn’t call it a relationship if you were vanilla, don’t call yourself a real Dom or Daddy if you don’t also do real Dom and Daddy things.
“She did things with him, things she never imagined herself doing. Things she hadn’t known she was capable of. Sexual things, intimate things, opening herself up in such a way making herself nothing but vulnerable in his hands. Not because he had demanded them, but because he made her want to.”
— ramblingsofacrazyheart ♡
“Not because he had demanded…!”
That, my dears, is how topping works.
A good leader makes their directions appear as opportunities to those they lead.
And yes, of course that can include rough play. If a top’s partner legitimately does. not. want. to something… if it doesn’t make them even more wet or hard to do it… including being “made” to do it… then why the hell would you even bother?
By Thomas Oldenough | August 10, 2019 | Comments Off on You don’t have to post this. I married my dom. They cheated, I left. Ever since my little side has been hiding. Scared to come out and be hurt so bad again. Your blog has helped my little side feel a little safer. Helped me realize that all doms are not bad. You’ve helped me find myself again and I know it’s silly, because I don’t know you, but I am endlessly grateful for your oblivious help in this matter. I hope you have a wonderful and fulfilling life from the deepest part of my soul.
My “oblivious help?” 💕💕💕 That’s me!!! A truly older, experienced gentleman understands that he may be wise but it’s probably about the things he thinks he is.
If you wanted to put one of my ongoing themes into pure D/Lg it would be “one of these things is not like the other one.”
I’ve found there are two big, big benefits to questioning or “interrogating” stereotypes.
1) Statements like “all X are Y” for whole classes of people aren’t very workable, let alone… well… true. “You can’t trust all Doms” is as non-useful as “you can trust all Doms.” Dominance is only one of literally thousands of characteristics in a 4-dimensional human being (including “over time.”) But also
2) When you start questioning stereotypes you start to realize they’re not external truths but internal “truths.” Which can mean the one thing all your stereotypes really have in common is you! And once you get that they’re your assumptions or beliefs you can start to see perfectly lovely Xs who aren’t Y.
I’m so glad you’re finding yourself again. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Comments Off on You don’t have to post this. I married my dom. They cheated, I left. Ever since my little side has been hiding. Scared to come out and be hurt so bad again. Your blog has helped my little side feel a little safer. Helped me realize that all doms are not bad. You’ve helped me find myself again and I know it’s silly, because I don’t know you, but I am endlessly grateful for your oblivious help in this matter. I hope you have a wonderful and fulfilling life from the deepest part of my soul.
By Thomas Oldenough | August 5, 2019 | Comments Off on Daddy threw his boot at me earlier when he got mad at me and it was scary but I don’t know how to tell him ‘cause I feel like it’ll make him angry with me
Fuck that. Run. Seriously. He throws a boot at you and you’re worried discussing it will make him angry with you? Run!
So just a little clarity here: D/S is to a rollercoaster as abuse is to a train wreck. One of them is carefully planned and maintained to give you a trill, the other is a dangerous, unpredictable, and terrifying experience. We typically say we enjoy a rollercoaster ride and survive a train wreck.
D/S has some elements that might look like abuse, but really they’re as different as a rollercoaster and a trainwreck.
That’s what comes to mind when someone says “I don’t know how to tell him ‘cause I feel like it’ll make him angry with me.”
Know what a Dom should do if they throw a shoe at you? Same thing a tapioca vanilla partner should do: goddamn apologize tout suite!
You know what it’s ok for a Sub to feel safe and comfortable doing if their dom throws a shoe at them? Same thing a vanilla partner: ask in no uncertain terms what the fuck was that about?!?!?
Kink relationships are still relationships. If you’re scared to have that conversation then it’s irrelevant whether you and your partner are kinky.
Discipline in D/S goes both ways: the Dom is just as bound to respect and adhere to the boundaries of your agreement as is the Sub.
When someone in D/S or any other kink steps outside of agreed upon boundaries, limits, and what’s consented to, regular relationship rules take over. The “dom” has stepped down from their role. Time to do what you’d do if any old asshole had chucked a boot at you:
Get safe, get support, but mostly get serious! If the boot thing wasn’t playtime take it seriously.
Comments Off on Daddy threw his boot at me earlier when he got mad at me and it was scary but I don’t know how to tell him ‘cause I feel like it’ll make him angry with me
By Thomas Oldenough | July 31, 2019 | Comments Off on Hi! First of allI love your blog- educational *and* sexy! But I also have a question that’s been on my mind recently. In some cases, could asking someone to hurt you constitute as self-harm? I’d like to get into the kink scene sometime but I struggle with self-harm and I wouldn’t want exacerbate things or include someone in my problems. I don’t know who else to ask, and you seem to have a good grasp on healthy s&m. Thank you for writing the things you do :)
Yes, people can and do use kink as a means of self harm. You kind of have to use discretion and be mindful of your mental status when you’re about to enter a scene. If you’re upset at all, it’s not a good time to scene.
I recommend trying to get a handle on your recovery before getting into the kink scene. Once you have a clear mind and the ability to tell the difference between self harm and sexual masochism, it will be easier to identify what is and isn’t okay. Also, I definitely recommend talking to your partner(s) about your self harm so they’re aware and can help assess your mental state and make sure you’re getting adequate aftercare.
This is so important! Nearly every legitimate kink has its own “parasitic” dysfunctional copycat. Every kink community needs to be on the lookout for the real users and abusers who try and use their kinks as protective coloration.
Just to name a few, D/Lg has to keep an eye out for pedophiles. (Similarly the gay community has had to fend of NAMBLA for generations!) S&M has to watch out for psychopaths. CNCs have to keep a close eye on actual rapists. The D/S community is constantly dealing with encroachment by abusive assholes who pretend to be (male or female) “Doms.”
And guess what else? Bottoming, whether it’s Submission, Masochism, Littles, etc., are their own kinks too. And therefore have their own destructive doppelgangers, and the kink community needs to keep an eye out for them too.
I’m not saying you can’t be in kink if you’ve got psychological or trauma-related issues, including self-destructive ones. But as @submissivefeminist says you’ve got to get a handle on them or you’re going to be an active danger not only to yourself but to your prospective partners. Including your tops, who may have no idea what you’re capable of dragging them into.
This is also why it’s vital that tops… Doms, Daddies, Sadists, rope and rough players, etc… have their own very clear boundaries and hard limits.
Comments Off on Hi! First of allI love your blog- educational *and* sexy! But I also have a question that’s been on my mind recently. In some cases, could asking someone to hurt you constitute as self-harm? I’d like to get into the kink scene sometime but I struggle with self-harm and I wouldn’t want exacerbate things or include someone in my problems. I don’t know who else to ask, and you seem to have a good grasp on healthy s&m. Thank you for writing the things you do :)
[Update: as a meme this is hilarious and a big hat’s off to @bellona007 for finding it. Yeah, I get grumpy about issues of consent, boundaries, and folks who confused D/S and abuse… but please don’t mistake all my dad’splaining for disapproval of the actual, you know, joke!]
Quick reminder here: this does not represent a D/S relationship. It’s not cute. it’s not funny. Nor would it be any funnier or cuter if the roles were reversed. Nor if it was a D/Lg couple no matter which partner was the top.
If the question was instead “Do you cheerfully Submit to your wife” it would probably be fine for him to defer and let her answer.
Similarly it might be fine if she said “he’s told me he doesn’t feel dominated.”
But clue #1: nobody gets to answer how you feel about anything. For better or worse, feelings happen outside the realm of communication.
That right there isn’t a D/S relationship, it’s an abusive one.
And clue #2: Subs and Littles and other power-exchange bottoms authorize their tops. As in “by the authority vested in me.”
Yes, this is me digging out my old social-theory terminology, but strictly speaking, he hasn’t given her any power. By answering for him she’s taken power from him.
And that’s the difference between authority and power. Power, strictly speaking, is maintained through physical, emotional, economic, or social violence, or threats of violence. Power is taken; authority is given!
Authority can be revoked. Power can only be overcome.
Authorizing = consent!
I’m not going to say “power exchange” kinks should be renamed “authority delegation” kink, because that would be sort of the opposite of sexy.
But when people talk about how “the Sub has all the power” what they really mean is that the Sub can revoke the authority they grant, and there’s nothing (short of non-consensual violence) the Dom can do about it.
Vanilla people have the hardest time understanding this distinction between power and authority, between kink and abuse. Newcomers to kink often need time to fully comprehend and internalize the difference.
But it makes all the difference in the world.
Going to be a grumpy Daddy for a minute here and say that no matter how deeply, darkly 24/7 a relationship is, there’s one question a Dom can’t answer for their Sub and it’s that question right there.
And to be a little more generous about it, a good top knows that if they keep their mouths shut for 10 seconds their Sub is going to say, with an ear-to-ear smile, “hell yeah I do, she’s an awesome Dom.”
A good top won’t be afraid to let their partner answer that question.
